Sad Day for Humanity

I have been debating reactivating this blog.  It began as a way to fill time as a mother of a newborn who needed to find a way to feel connected to a world beyond sleepless nights and diaper changes.   When Dylan began moving and grooving, one thing I did not need anymore was time to fill.  However, I have so much going on in my mind and heart after the Newton Elementary Shootings that I feel like I need to make time to express it all.

As a mother of a two year old boy and pregant with a 19 week old little girl, this weekend has been occupied with thoughts of saddness, fear and appreciation that I am still able to hold and love my babies.  On Friday Dec 14th 2012, twenty innocent children were brutally killed in what should have been the save haven of their schools.  These children were babies.  Babies like yours and mine. 

I have to forceable keep my mind from wondering about the final moments of these children.  I imagine the children in my life that I love, my own child, my nephews, my friends children - I imagine their faces, their pain and my heart fills with a sorrow I cannot fully express.  This morning I watched the President read the 20 names and saw the 20 faces and sobbed.   One of the boys killed was named Dylan.  He had beautiful blue eyes, just like my Dylan.  For no rhyme or reason, he was taken from his parents that loved him.  From a world that, to him, was filled with joy and newness.  Sports and trains and Christmas cookies. 

Words like "senseless, tragic, unimaginable, horrific" float through the news articles and social media.  These are the best words we have, but do not come close to describing what happened.  There aren't any words that can express the extent of sorrow the parents of these children are feeling.  There aren't any words to express how this has affected the country either.

I can't watch the news.  I know in my heart that the actual scenes from that day, or expressions of grief on those parents faces - won't hold a candle to the visions in my own mind.  What I am picturing without help is already tearing me apart, so for the sake of my family I need to stay away from too much reality.   I am reading articles and many thoughts come to mind.  What can I do for these families?  How can we honor the memories of the victims?  What can be done to increase safety in our schools?  What can be done to prevent psychopaths from getting assault weapons into their hands? 

Its my strongest hope that the issue of Gun Control will be at the top of the Federal Governments list of discussion today.  I hope that the impact of this tragedy will surpass processes and debates and simple common sense will come into play.  I believe in the second Ammendment and in our right to bear arms.  But I also know that that ammendment was created before AK 47's were created, before Glaucs and guns that can blow giant holes through concrete school walls.

The gunmens mother was a gun collector.  The weapons he used to take 26 lives, including hers, were all readily available in his own home.  Bought legally, to be displayed in the home of a troubled young man with a known personality disorder.  So again, a mother, who was distrought over her sons mental disorders, collected assault weapons and stored them in the same home said son lived in.   I never make a point to speak ill of the dead, but when NRA advocates say "Guns don't kill people, people do." and use this as a defense to keep gun control as is---- my response is.... yes, crazy people kill people... WITH GUNS.   

Do I think that increasing gun control will eliminate crazy people from getting their hands on guns?  No.  I'm not that naive.  But shouldn't we make it challenging at the least?  Should AK 47s, Sig Sauer M400 and all the other military style weapons be readily available at your local Walmart?  They have more of a variety of assault weapons than they do mens underwear.  These are not guns used for hunting or to keep in your bedside table in the case of an intruder, no.... these are guns used for miltary defense and mass killings.  And say so in the description.  Yet Joe Smo from any old town with a Walmart can walk in and buy any variety of killing machines for "Sport" - shouldn't those be exclusively for the hands for trained, skilled, professionals and used for PROTECTION ONLY????

See for yourself: http://www.walmart.com/search/search-ng.do?cat_id=4125_4155_1088608&_refineresult=true&search_query=guns&ic=16_0&_refineresult=true&search_constraint=4125&&_mm=


When I find myself getting caught up in thought, I have to remind myself that I have two year old following me around that has no concept of death or guns, or shootings.   I have a Christmas to attend to for him and need to fill our time with Santa visits and singing Christmas carols.   And then Silent Night will come on the radio and I have to turn my back to him to hide my tears.  The Christmas Spirit seems to have vanished from my heart thinking about those presents under the tree in 20 homes that have names on them that won't ever have a bright smile to match them.  

Yesterday my husband and I took our little one to breakfast with Santa. Walking around the large banquet room I met eyes with all the other mothers and saw the same expression of forced Christmas cheer, with an underlying of shared grief. Shared fear and shared occupying thoughts of helplessness. You looked around the room, full of children and must force your mind from thoughts of what happened in those classrooms.


So I decided to vent these thoughts this morning.  Today, 8 days away from my childs first real Christmas, I cannot do anything to change what happened to those children.  I cannot change any of the mass shootings that have occured in the last several years, ending lives senselessly.  I cannot march into the White House and demand police officers to be assigned to each and every school in America from daycare to College.  I cannot cast my vote or state my opinion in Washington to make a change and make it yesterday.  I can't do anything of great magnitude.... I not today at least. 

But I can hug my child.  I can take him to get a haircut and then to go buy a Christmas present for daddy.  We can go buy his class a special treat for their Christmas party and we can go ahead and make his list for Santa.  I can do this and I can make Christmas special for him and my family.  I can and I will do this, this will be how I honor the Newton Elementry victims.  I can and I will rekindle the Christmas Spirit in my heart and in my home.  And the second the opportunity arises for me to share my voice, stand up as a mother for my child and for all the other children in this country - it won't take but a split second for me to get my shoes on. 

Until that moment presents itself, I asked myself how I can get truly into the Christmas Spirit when all of these thoughts are overtaking my heart.  How can I cozy up by the fire and watch Rundolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and be in that moment fully?  I owe it to my son to truly be there in that moment with him - but how?  And then, admittedly too late, then it occured to me.  If I want that Christmas Spirit to fill my heart I need to remind myself of the meaning of Christmas. 

As much as I always loved to decorate the tree and hang stockings over the fireplace - those are just traditions.  Beautiful as they may be, thinking of those things as the Spirit of Christmas is completely backwards. 

Christmas is the celebrate of the birth of Christ.  The birth of a man who lived a life instilling morality into those around him.  A man who made people belive in miracles, who preached loving thy neighbor and forgiving those who have sinned against you.  A man who suffered a horrible death in the name of absorbing sin for mankind, so that we could all go to heaven and one day be united with our Creator and those who have passed before us.  Christmas is celebrating all the good Jesus instilled in hearts and minds hundreds of years ago and continues to do so today.  

God, Jesus, Allah - Darhma,  none of these doctrines or all powerful beings ever promised there wouldnt' be pain, suffering or evil.  We are not garuanteed a life full of happiness and free of sorrow simply because we believe in them.  Tragedies happen in life,  death of the young and old happens - everyday.  Children are killed brutally over the world.  Its never fair, its never ok and it never makes sense.   The question becomes, do you believe that is their end?  The terrible way in which they die - does that define them?  Does knowing about it, or witnessing it, define your believes?  Or do you believe that their lives, and our lives, are only a small part of our existence.  Do you believe Revelations 7:13-17 "they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."


I believe that there is a chance that we can all honor the memory of the victims by looking within our hearts and thanking God for what we have.  That we can appreciate the small things and let the stress of bills, dirty dishes, pety arguments or feeling badly about our lives melt away.  Because those things do not matter.  What matters is love.  What matters is famliy and friendships.  What matters is kindness to those we love and to strangers.  What matters is giving to those in need, whether it be food, or shelter or simply a smile.  What matters is accepting each other and acknowledging the preciousness of life - in all forms.  Maybe remembering these things, instilling them again into our hearts - maybe that is how we can honor them.  Maybe finding in our souls a place that knows those little babies, and brave teachers, didn't just disappear from earth.  If we can belive in our souls that they, and all who have gone before them, don't die - but they graduate to a higher exsistence where they will forever be at peace and live forever in the "Christmas" spirit - maybe that is what we should all strive to do in the face of this tragedy.    So today, that is what I will focus on and hope can too.   "The spirit of Christmas needs to superseded by the Spirit of Christ. The spirit of Christmas is annual; the Spirit of Christ is eternal. The spirit of Christmas is sentimental; the Spirit of Christ is supernatural. The spirit of Christmas is a human product; the Spirit of Christ is a divine person. That makes all the difference in the world. " - Stuart Briscoe

Day after Mothers Day....

I can't eat without him wanting every other bite of whatever it is that I am having. I can't leave the room without a shrill of a cry. He wants me to hold him, but be able to crawl and play simultaneously. I was gone all weekend and for the first time, didn't feel overwhelming guilt. Maybe I knew I needed it, but being home today was like a crash reminder.

Boy do I love my boy. He smiles & the world around me melts. Words, or what could be actual words, come out of his mouth and its like wind chimes. He is a magnificent being, he is an angel. But he is also a one year old baby and babies are particular, don't understand most of what you want them to & are tiny little tornadoes of toes, mis matched socks & baby spoons. Everything is new to him. Everything is sparkley.... I can see in his eyes that he must touch & experience every single paperclip & button. Every waking moment is exploring, and exploring fast. Quickly from one treasure to the other... and when he finds a good one he'll hold it up to me with such happiness & pride. But most of the time his greatest treasure is my cell phone (which, come on, I have enough trouble keeping up with) or the remote to the TV (we are down to only one for the whole house)....

Today in the span of one hour, I missed my trainer appt because of a car seat miscommunication, Dylan found a new button that turns mommys computer totally off.... even with unsaved items still up...., the boxer peed on the carpet & jumped in the pool upon punishment to the backyard... and I remembered at 4:30 that I hadn't eaten all day. The meaning of mommy caught up with me fast this afternoon.

Luckily, I had a date night planned with some amazing girlfriends. Dinner... great booked turned great movie... 3 glasses of wine... 2 more when i got home... although its 1am.. and I will be very tired when my 6am baby alarm goes off... I needed a break, even after a break. Guess I needed a break more after I had a break than before I had a break. Not sure it guilt, rest or a combo of both made today especially trying... but here I am at the end of it all... and all I can think about is that I can't wait to see my baby tomorrow. I can't wait to play & be less stressed tomorrow. He's going to be the best part of my day & I already know that and miss him.

But... at the thought of tomorrow...and how fun it will surely be.... I better call it a night. Good night moon.

What you MUST register for & why ~~ PART 1

Simply put, there are some things you are going to want, some things you are going to need and some things you won't be able to live without. Here is my professional mommy opinion on what you should register for.... in no particular order:

1) Excersaucer: It is a place to put your baby, help him learn to balance, but most importantly keep him entertained for 30mins to an hour. I find myself moving it from room to room... its stays stationary so I will put it in the kitchen while I do dishes or even the bathroom while I shower.

personal fav: $99.99

Baby Einstein Discovery Center Entertainer - Around the World

2) Bottles: This is kinda obvious, but you are going to need them to feed the baby, regardless of if you breastfeed or not. At some point you will move to bottles. If you do breastfeed you are going to want to register for the fatter bottles, or the ones that basically resemble a boob. Since I didn't, I stuck with the longer skinnier ones. I highly suggest registering for both kinds, they will likely get put to use either way it goes. Register for AT LEAST 3 packs of each kind. And you will end up buy more, but its a great start.

Personal Fav: Playtex Ventair... Like these because they are easy to assemble and it just makes sense to me that the angle they are shaped in allows for less air, thus less gas...

If you breastfeed or plan to get these:

If not you can use these, these happened to be the only kind Dylan would drink from. For some reason he does not like fat nipples apparently:)

Also.... with nipples, register for extra and register for all types of flow... fast, rapid, slow. Why? At first, when they are learning to suck, they need slow flow nipples, obviously so they don't choke. As they get a bit older and get the hang of it, you are going to want faster flow. Also, for milk, you may want a faster flow and for juices, slower. Since milk is thicker than water or juice. PLUS you can never get enough extra parts of bottles. So register for them!!

3) Diapers! Clearly, you are going to need these. Pick the kind you want, but I suggest for new moms pampers swaddlers. The reason is that they are the only kind of diaper that show you when you need to change diapers. When its dry there is a yellow line, when its wet it turns blue. This only comes in sizes N - 2 - but don't worry, by the time they are in 2's you will know when a diaper is full:) Also, keep in mind that newborns are only going to be in N's for about 2-3 weeks... they move to 1's quick and grow out of each size about every 2-3 mths from there....

4) Burp Clothes! You are going need TONS of these, especially for the first 6 mths. They will probably litter your house, but register for several packs of them... and you will still need to buy more.

5) SOUND MACHINE

What? Its a machine you keep in the nursery that make white noise sounds (ocean, rain, heart beat, etc) that helps the baby sleep. (See my entry Sleep Baby Sleep Please for why you NEED one for sure) `

A popular kind that you will see is the little lamb & if you get one or register one, they are great. The only problem is that they are battery operated, so I highly recommend the kind that comes with a plug. Obviously, you don't want to find a miracle that helps you baby sleep and run out of batteries in the middle of the night. At our house, its on 24/7 in Dylans room and he now can't sleep without it. But hey, I can't sleep without a fan so...

Where? Most everything I buy for baby and EVERYTHING i found for this entry I found at Babys R Us... but this one... I do recommend going with a nicer not necessarily "baby" sleep sound machine so you can know that it will last. This one is a Brookstone though and it is specifically for nurseries.

6) LEAP FROG PUPPY PAL

This goes along with the sound machine, but we have this little guy and its great for weekend trips, trips to grandmas or maybe a dinner at a friends house where you have to put the baby down to sleep for a little bit while you are there. You pinch the guys little foot 3 times and it sings your baby to sleep... both Dylan and my nephew love it and can't get to sleep away from home without it.

7) Things that you will find yourself buying over and over are paci's (if your baby is a paci baby) ~~ and paci clips. They say that if you breast feed your baby will prefer these kinds of paci's : notice the slant on the nipple:

If you do not breastfeed... your baby is "supposed" to prefer this type... with the rounder nipple. This particular kind is the best for us because it seems to suction to his mouth better, the way the outer plastic part curves and is open for... well all the spit to get out:) But like the bottles, register for a ton of both kinds, Dylan likes ALL pacis.

8) SWING & BOUNCY SEAT!

Honestly, the brand itself doesn't matter, but you could probably register for 2 and cross your fingers that you get both. Because until your baby can sit up by himself (about 4-6 mths I'd say) ~ the only place you have to put your baby is in the bouncy seat or swing. The swing is not exactly easy to transfer from room to room... but this seat is. You can put the baby in there in the bathroom floor while you shower, prob him up on the middle bed in it while you dress... or the center of the kitchen table while you cook.... on the coffee table while you are doing laundry... its a for sure MUST have. When you pick out your seat look for:

1) a cushiony soft bottom so that when they start to kick, they don't bruise their little legs.

2) If you get one that rocks.... you won't be able to move it around like I just said from place to place. Because you don't want them rocking right off the table:)

3) Easily replaceable batteries that require easy to find batteries.

4) Lightweight enough to carry in one hand, while carrying a baby in the other.

5) Colorful stimulation for above the babies head. We bought the cute one with brown monkeys... Dylan did not care to stare at drab brown monkeys so we had to get another one.

I found this fun bouncy seat & there was a swing that matched it.... its super high tech about the same cost as the ones we bought for Dylan... most likely I will get both of these for my next 2 babies. Because the My Little Lamb we did get (which looked so cute and cuddling) was also white and got mighty dirty. I liked both of these because you can wipe clean & they have enough covered soft leg room for baby to kick... and they are super high tech..... I found these at SMART MAMA... they don't carry them at Babys R Us last I checked...

http://smartmomma.com/files/cache/de64ae6f545dd038b2100253562fdc82.jpg

http://smartmomma.com/Peg-Perego-2011-Sdraietta-Melodia-Musical-Chair-Iris-p-20456.html

9) BABY SHAKESPEARE!!!!!!! WORLD OF WORDS SPECIFICALLY!

I have probably pushed this item too much as is... but its for a reason!!! GET IT!!

10) SLEEP SACKS!!!!!!!!!!!

When people would ask me after Dylan was born what they could bring me... I always asked for more of these. They are GREAT for late night diaper changes... no snaps, no zippers, no problem. Register for all sizes too 0-3, 3-6, 6-9 and I'd actually register for at least 5 - 10 of each size. And you will still buy more...

The two I suggest are:

Make sure to register for BOTH long sleeve and sleeveless of both.... do the math from when your baby is born (EX... Dylan was born in March.... it was just getting warm... so for 6 mths I only needed the sleeveless.... but needed long sleeve ones as it got cold... make sure to also get the warm fuzzy kind for BOTH seasons (sleeveless or not) because baby needs to stay warmer than we do in order sleep better)

AND ~~~ baby sleep gowns

Thats all for now... but I am sure I will think of more.... stay tuned for PART 2 :)

No means NO!! Seriously....

At first it was cute, saying no to Dylan and he just smiles back totally clueless. Now its becoming such a nightmare, he does not understand regardless of my tone or serious expression. Its also starting to concern me that when he goes to stick his finger in a socket and I yell no from across the room, my poor child will get electrified.

This morning Dylan was pulling up on the gate that we have set up to block him from the stairs. This is a constant problem. So I said no, Jon walked in he said no, Jon firmly picked him up and put him down about 2 feet from the gate. To which Dylan started to cry and immediately went back to the gate. We did this for 10 straight minutes with absolutely no progress.

I've taken some much needed steps to research how and when to teach your child NO. Thought I'd share.... I found this information from baby websites, mom forums and pediatric websites. You'll be able to tell which ones are the mom's advice... Essentially what I learned is to keep doing what I am doing and tough it out for another 6 mths because he isn't going to get it until then.... Fabulous!

1

Watch for times when your baby is about to do something inappropriate.

2

Stop her before she completes the action by telling her 'no' in a firm, but loving manner.

3

Express your concern and displeasure through your facial expression more than through your voice. Loudness or harshness may scare your infant.

4

Use some type of hand motion, such as a shaking pointer finger or the American Sign Language sign for 'no'. Use this sign each time you say 'no'. This will reinforce what 'no' means and help her to respond even faster.

5

Imitated what might happen if she did the inappropriate action. For example, if she is about to touch a hot mug, pretend to touch it and then burst into tears. This will show her that the action will bring great discomfort and she will most likely avoid that action in the future.

6

Tell her 'no' consistently when she is about to do something inappropriate. Hesitating from doing this because you feel you are being too negative could cause her to get mixed signals and misinterpret what 'no' really means.

7

Avoid creating fake situations. If you set her up in a situation and then scold her for responding to it, she will be confused, frustrated, and unable to respond to 'no' appropriately

8

Consistency is especially important for toddlers. If Mom's computer was off-limits yesterday, it should be off-limits today. And don't worry about repeating yourself. A toddler may need to hear something literally a hundred times before he gets the message.

9

Think of discipline as a form of teaching, not a form of punishment

10

make it as easy as possible for your child to do the right thing. Try to avoid putting him in situations he can't handle. For example, don't take him on long shopping trips when he's tired and hungry. And don't surround him with things he's not allowed to touch. If his world is cluttered with temptations, you'll spend all day saying "no." Try to maximize his opportunities to play and explore but minimize his chances to get into trouble.

11

That is WAY too young to start discipline.
He/she will not understand what is going on.
Wait until he/she is able to talk and communicate.
The only thing you can do is stop them from doing what you don't want them to do by removing them from the situation, and I bet they will go back so you will have to do it over and over...

12

Understand that, at this age, baby is beginning to learn the word no. Only use it when you mean it, and expect baby to challenge you on it every time for a while. For example, be sure to use the word no when she's unsafe. This will help her understand the concept faster.

13

During the earlier months, baby will do things like pull hair and such when she's really just trying to show you affection. When these moments come along, say, "No! No!" in a sweet tone and try to replace the action with something that is positive like a kiss on the hand.

Read more on FamilyEducation:http://life.familyeducation.com/baby/discipline/44249.html#ixzz1JE0AxnJx

Oh, right... I have a baby

I feel like I say this over and over again... but its so crazy to think about how much has changed in 2 short years. My life has changed, my marriage has changed, my career, my personality, my body, my family, my relationships, how I spend my time, what I enjoy to do, who I enjoy to hang out with, how I see the world.... just about everything that possible could change in a person's life - has. To me, change is good... but when so much changes in such a short time - it sends a person into some form of shock. Not like the kind of shock where you can't feel your fingers or anything like this, but more like a numbness to your thoughts and emotions that slowly trickle back into being able to feel them again as time passes and you are more accustomed to the changes.

So now that Dylan is one year old, and I've had exactly 374 days to adjust to being a mom, plus of course the roughly 300 days I spent pregnant and adjusting to the thought of a totally new life and body... I have all together had 674 days to wrap my head around Betsy's life Part 2. Sitting here right now on day 674, I can honestly say.... I've never been happier. Sure it took a long uncomfortable, difficult & sometimes painful road.... but as my mother once said to me... the sweet just isn't as sweet, without a little sour.

I think I've pretty clearly outlined throughout this blog, exactly what the sour has been for me. I think I have even gotten across the sweet too.... but sometimes when I talk about being pregnant or being a mom, I feel like what comes across is how difficult it is. How much changes... I feel like sometimes I portray a little more sour than sweet. For example, I was recently in Miami visiting one of my very best friends in the world & I found myself talking about motherhood and from the look on her face as I was talking, I realized I might just be talking her out of ever having a baby. I was saying how once you become a mother, you can never, ever, ever again go somewhere else & be totally 100% present. Because, wherever you go, if you are not with your baby - a piece of you is missing. So while I am sitting on a boat, in the middle of crystal blue ocean, drinking corona in the gorgeous sun... in the back of my mind I am thinking of exit strategies for Jessica & I should the partying get a little out of hand. Because I need to be safe & healthy in order to be a good mother... so if something happens to me, it equally happens to my child, therefore nothing bad can happen to me, because it will heavily effect my son. Its a vicious circle. And I am explaining this to one of the freest spirits I know, so the thought of being tied to another soul to such an extent, understandably brought fear to her poor heart.

The only way I can counteract this wave of fear I have just brought upon her, is to just speak from my heart. Because as a person who can usually find a way with words, its incredibly difficult to express the depth of love, peace & happiness I have found in motherhood. I think just like anything else, its easier to voice the downfalls of things, while the best things in the world usually don't have words to accompany them. So here goes...

I used to love sleep... adore it... treasure sleeping. At some point I remember questioning if I one day will look back on my life and regret sleeping so much. Today, while some days its more difficult that others to wake all the way up... sleep has much less priority in my life. If I am jolted out of bed at 2am by a crying baby, my heart is awake and in his room faster than my feet. Sleep... the thing I onced loved and treasured... does not hold a candle to my role as a mother & my love for my child. Ok.... hmmm.... I feel as though to a person who is not yet a mother, this may also come across as something to jot down on the negative side.... so let me keep trying....

My marriage. My relationship with my husband has become a bond that I never thought existed. And for those of you who know me, you know I fell madly in love with my husband, to a depth that I had never experienced and many of my friends didn't understand, and never looked back. So for me to say that my love has gotten even deeper... thats saying something. We share this bond that only the two of us understand, this love, this connection, this mutual respect for the other as a parent.... this precious relationship that only the other one has, and no one else in the world can share with us.... and that just elevates our love to a whole new arena. Sweet right?

Days. My days are filled with messiness. With Elmo. With repeating the same 5 actions over and over. But I am never bored, rarely stressed, and always always smiling, singing, and happy. Ok, ok, sure sometimes I am a total zombie. Never get out of my PJ's, shower at 4pm, forget to brush my teeth... totally focused on someone else 100% of the day... but somehow, I don't really mind 96% of the time. This, compared to my old life where I used to struggle with whether or not I would ever be happy. Or whether or not I just really enjoyed misery on some sick level.... now, I can say happily... I am happy.

So I guess there isn't really a great way to describe it. Why I am happy, how I am happy, why being a mom is so great. I think you just have to experience the total joy of watching your baby balance on his own feet for the first time, or the hilariousness of getting pureed peaches sneezed in your face. Describing it so that you can understand it is like putting the horse before the cart... you just can't. You just have to trust me.

Dylan's birthday I remember looking at him delving into his elmo cake, in a room full of people staring at him with cheesy grins and pure joy... and thinking, its going by too fast. I need to stop the clock because I am scared I will blink at this time will be gone. And that scares me because, I have found such joy in these simple times.... I never want them to end. And just to be able to say that a year has flown by.... that in itself is telling of the joys I have found in being a mom. A YEAR used to be like... this really long time.... and now, its been a blink. Time flies when you are having fun. And flying it is.

Where I am now...

Its difficult to believe that almost a year has gone by since my life turned upside down. I hope that my life is full of times when everything gets turned on its head and spins you in a different direction. I believe that is probably what life is all about, adjusting to change & then learning to adjust with the new change that's just around the corner.

In a year I have gone from being totally occupied by days going to a job that I never really wanted to go to & nights drinking & smoking... to finding happiness in following my heart as a mother. I find myself making decisions in my life as an example of how I want my son to make decisions. To realize dreams & take actions towards them.

If you know me then you know my dream of having a successful photography business. At times I certainly get discouraged, its a competitive field to say the least. For every amazing picture you take, there are 100 more from other extremely talented photographers to make you question your own talent. Its a very cut throat industry, I've received emails from other photographers that are nothing less that cruel about my work. As a photographer, you have to be confident you are the best, with confidence comes that fine line of arrogance that gets us all in trouble. While I do take these criticisms to heart (and try as I might to ignore them) ~ it does take toll on me. I'll put myself in time out, not allowing my camera out of its bag for weeks so I can regroup mentally.

I spend hours upon hours advertising, working on my site - to feel like I only move an inch and when you are spinning your wheels as fast as you can and not getting very far - it can be discouraging to say the least. And then as if it's a gift from the heavens, you get a new client & get yourself back out there. What I can be so proud of is that I never gave in, never gave up, I worked through the hard times & allowed the struggles to only contribute to my growing strength as a photographer & dream catcher.

And its all because of my little muse. I never want him to give up on his dreams, so when I feel the urge to throw in the towel, I think of the example I am setting. That my life is now just an example to him and I should live it accordingly. So to say motherhood has changed me for the better, is an understatement. Sure, nothing that used to seem so urgent is as big of a deal as it used to be. Sure, I am calmer, feel more connected to a greater purpose, share a connection with every other mother in the world... but I think what has changed most in me as a mother is that I always want to be a better person than I was yesterday. If that means holding true to my dreams today, then tomorrow it will be perfecting them. I hold myself to a higher standard because I know I have a little one who will one day look at my life (and his fathers) as a jumping board from which to build his own life.

So each day that I find myself more successful than the last, I owe it all to my son (well...mostly;) Cute little man.

Days Like This

My hair is dreadful, no make up and 3 new chin pimples. My outfit hardly qualifies as such, but it was the only thing that was clean this morning. The laundry just piles up & dishes are never ending. I feel like as soon as I get one thing done, it sprouts back up just like a weed. I've been stressed before, but standing in the line at the grocery store with a full cart and screaming baby looking all a mess, only to know I am going home to dirty clothes & dishes... I am thinking this is my limit.

I mean what do you do when you know you look dreadful & everyone in Kroger is staring at you thinking "can you please quiet that baby". It doesn't help that the cute girl behind me is all done up, clearly on her lunch break with only a to-go salad and Figi water in her hand. I motion for her to go ahead and pick the baby up and he instantly stops crying. Great, now I am faced with the challenge of unloading a full cart, one handed.

Bless the store manager who comes up as I near the front of the line and starts to unload my cart for me. He is a nice Indian man named Abob and has just made my day. I was used to men doing nice things for me when I considered myself hot, but I was usually just annoyed. Now looking my worst, this kind man is doing something for me, maybe out of pity, but something in his eyes tell me that he's a father. And while I am convinced only single dads have any clue of what us mothers go through, any parent probably can relate to this situation.

So I get in the car, get loaded up and take a deep breath as a step into the driver seat. Sometimes my favorite thing to do is just drive. I turn up the music and decide to take the long way home, hoping that the baby will fall asleep on the way. This is usually the case, but today Dylan just cries half the long way home - so I opt to turn on the cut through street taking me a quicker way. When I pull into my driveway I just get the baby and my keys and head inside. Who knows how long it will be before I actually unload the car. I change a diaper, fill a bottle and rock my little man fast asleep. My mind is running a million miles a minute all the while, so as soon as I reach my kitchen I get started on the dishes. Next, laundry room... and thirty minutes later - I remember the groceries. Thank God its a cold day, so even the milk is still cold. I can't even fathom the dinner conversation, over rice & green beans (because that is all that was in my pantry prior to the grocery trip) where I explain to my well meaning, yet clueless to what my day entails, husband how I ruined $200 worth of groceries.

After I get all the food put away, I realize that I may have a good 20 minutes to take a quick shower. Its like a day at the spa to me right now, except for the fact that I am slowly loosing my hair for unknown reasons. None the less, I am so happy to be in this hot shower right now it almost feels like its my first shower in days... oh wait... it is:)

Stay at home moms get a bad rap. I know when I was a childless working women, I never understood why stay at home moms complain so much. I mean, who can be stressed when you get to spend the day in your PJs playing with your precious baby. Guess its just one of those things you can never explain or understand, you just have to live it. Flip side is a guess the working moms don 't get to sit down until 9pm, whereas I don't get to sit down until about 7pm, when my husband has been fed & dishes cleaned.

I know for sure we place a lot of pressure on ourselves, but at the end of the day your job is to keep the home clean & baby healthy. Its taken me a year to get over going in public less than perfect & to ignore the stares from strangers when my child is a little loud in the Dog Food aisle (I mean people, its Kroger, not the freaking New York Symphony... cut the eye rolls please, I don't care that you are 90 yrs old & don't like kids... just get your granny pampers & mind your own business). Its taken me a year to not add stress to my day if the baby is having an especially fussy one by forcing myself to get the floors done. Its taken me a year to realize that while my job isn't earning a paycheck, I am working harder than anyone I know that has to drive to work. And that last statement comes from a person who worked an extremely stressful job. What difficult is the emotional test you go through every day and the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect. We have the time to be perfect mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, friends... we feel the desperate need to make sure everyone we love knows how much we love them.

Sometimes though, you need to pick up the phone & ask for help. It may feel like a tiny defeat as you say the words to your mother in law "can you come watch the baby for a few hours" but after you have had those few hours to leisurely go through target, or go and get a manicure, you can reset your thinking back to relaxed. Because us moms, working or not, don't really even get a break when we sleep. We sleep with one eye open and our ear to the ground for the slightest hint the baby might be choking on something in his crib. We are jolted out of bed at 3am while our husbands sleep soundly away when the baby shrills a cry for no reason. Some may even wonder... how did I get here? Who is this person and where did her high heels go?

Here's the thing though, want to know how this day ended? My husband walked through the door and picked up our son and they both smiled like crazy at each other. Then they both just started laughing for no reason, or I guess for a reason only a father son duo would understand. Then I drank a nice glass of wine while Jon fed the baby and put him to bed. I tried out a new recipe and it was delicious. We watched a movie we had been wanting to see and went to bed a little early. Nothing spectacular but a long enough break to remind myself how happy I am. That not every day is like this and while some of them string along in a row, eventually I find myself dancing in the living room with my perfect son to "Days Like This" while reminding him that this will be the song we dance to at his wedding.

Then I remember, its going to just blink by and one day I will look back on this time and either regret ever letting myself get so stressed, or totally forget there was ever a bad day. Its just like anything else, you have one bad day and you think "thats it, my life sucks" and then a good day rolls along and you think "everything is perfect". Its just that as mothers, those days are amplified by a million. And to be honest, while the bad days are even more difficult now... the good days are like peeks into what heaven will be like.