Its difficult to believe that almost a year has gone by since my life turned upside down. I hope that my life is full of times when everything gets turned on its head and spins you in a different direction. I believe that is probably what life is all about, adjusting to change & then learning to adjust with the new change that's just around the corner.
In a year I have gone from being totally occupied by days going to a job that I never really wanted to go to & nights drinking & smoking... to finding happiness in following my heart as a mother. I find myself making decisions in my life as an example of how I want my son to make decisions. To realize dreams & take actions towards them.
If you know me then you know my dream of having a successful photography business. At times I certainly get discouraged, its a competitive field to say the least. For every amazing picture you take, there are 100 more from other extremely talented photographers to make you question your own talent. Its a very cut throat industry, I've received emails from other photographers that are nothing less that cruel about my work. As a photographer, you have to be confident you are the best, with confidence comes that fine line of arrogance that gets us all in trouble. While I do take these criticisms to heart (and try as I might to ignore them) ~ it does take toll on me. I'll put myself in time out, not allowing my camera out of its bag for weeks so I can regroup mentally.
I spend hours upon hours advertising, working on my site - to feel like I only move an inch and when you are spinning your wheels as fast as you can and not getting very far - it can be discouraging to say the least. And then as if it's a gift from the heavens, you get a new client & get yourself back out there. What I can be so proud of is that I never gave in, never gave up, I worked through the hard times & allowed the struggles to only contribute to my growing strength as a photographer & dream catcher.
And its all because of my little muse. I never want him to give up on his dreams, so when I feel the urge to throw in the towel, I think of the example I am setting. That my life is now just an example to him and I should live it accordingly. So to say motherhood has changed me for the better, is an understatement. Sure, nothing that used to seem so urgent is as big of a deal as it used to be. Sure, I am calmer, feel more connected to a greater purpose, share a connection with every other mother in the world... but I think what has changed most in me as a mother is that I always want to be a better person than I was yesterday. If that means holding true to my dreams today, then tomorrow it will be perfecting them. I hold myself to a higher standard because I know I have a little one who will one day look at my life (and his fathers) as a jumping board from which to build his own life.
So each day that I find myself more successful than the last, I owe it all to my son (well...mostly;) Cute little man.
