I feel like I say this over and over again... but its so crazy to think about how much has changed in 2 short years. My life has changed, my marriage has changed, my career, my personality, my body, my family, my relationships, how I spend my time, what I enjoy to do, who I enjoy to hang out with, how I see the world.... just about everything that possible could change in a person's life - has. To me, change is good... but when so much changes in such a short time - it sends a person into some form of shock. Not like the kind of shock where you can't feel your fingers or anything like this, but more like a numbness to your thoughts and emotions that slowly trickle back into being able to feel them again as time passes and you are more accustomed to the changes.
So now that Dylan is one year old, and I've had exactly 374 days to adjust to being a mom, plus of course the roughly 300 days I spent pregnant and adjusting to the thought of a totally new life and body... I have all together had 674 days to wrap my head around Betsy's life Part 2. Sitting here right now on day 674, I can honestly say.... I've never been happier. Sure it took a long uncomfortable, difficult & sometimes painful road.... but as my mother once said to me... the sweet just isn't as sweet, without a little sour.
I think I've pretty clearly outlined throughout this blog, exactly what the sour has been for me. I think I have even gotten across the sweet too.... but sometimes when I talk about being pregnant or being a mom, I feel like what comes across is how difficult it is. How much changes... I feel like sometimes I portray a little more sour than sweet. For example, I was recently in Miami visiting one of my very best friends in the world & I found myself talking about motherhood and from the look on her face as I was talking, I realized I might just be talking her out of ever having a baby. I was saying how once you become a mother, you can never, ever, ever again go somewhere else & be totally 100% present. Because, wherever you go, if you are not with your baby - a piece of you is missing. So while I am sitting on a boat, in the middle of crystal blue ocean, drinking corona in the gorgeous sun... in the back of my mind I am thinking of exit strategies for Jessica & I should the partying get a little out of hand. Because I need to be safe & healthy in order to be a good mother... so if something happens to me, it equally happens to my child, therefore nothing bad can happen to me, because it will heavily effect my son. Its a vicious circle. And I am explaining this to one of the freest spirits I know, so the thought of being tied to another soul to such an extent, understandably brought fear to her poor heart.
The only way I can counteract this wave of fear I have just brought upon her, is to just speak from my heart. Because as a person who can usually find a way with words, its incredibly difficult to express the depth of love, peace & happiness I have found in motherhood. I think just like anything else, its easier to voice the downfalls of things, while the best things in the world usually don't have words to accompany them. So here goes...
I used to love sleep... adore it... treasure sleeping. At some point I remember questioning if I one day will look back on my life and regret sleeping so much. Today, while some days its more difficult that others to wake all the way up... sleep has much less priority in my life. If I am jolted out of bed at 2am by a crying baby, my heart is awake and in his room faster than my feet. Sleep... the thing I onced loved and treasured... does not hold a candle to my role as a mother & my love for my child. Ok.... hmmm.... I feel as though to a person who is not yet a mother, this may also come across as something to jot down on the negative side.... so let me keep trying....
My marriage. My relationship with my husband has become a bond that I never thought existed. And for those of you who know me, you know I fell madly in love with my husband, to a depth that I had never experienced and many of my friends didn't understand, and never looked back. So for me to say that my love has gotten even deeper... thats saying something. We share this bond that only the two of us understand, this love, this connection, this mutual respect for the other as a parent.... this precious relationship that only the other one has, and no one else in the world can share with us.... and that just elevates our love to a whole new arena. Sweet right?
Days. My days are filled with messiness. With Elmo. With repeating the same 5 actions over and over. But I am never bored, rarely stressed, and always always smiling, singing, and happy. Ok, ok, sure sometimes I am a total zombie. Never get out of my PJ's, shower at 4pm, forget to brush my teeth... totally focused on someone else 100% of the day... but somehow, I don't really mind 96% of the time. This, compared to my old life where I used to struggle with whether or not I would ever be happy. Or whether or not I just really enjoyed misery on some sick level.... now, I can say happily... I am happy.
So I guess there isn't really a great way to describe it. Why I am happy, how I am happy, why being a mom is so great. I think you just have to experience the total joy of watching your baby balance on his own feet for the first time, or the hilariousness of getting pureed peaches sneezed in your face. Describing it so that you can understand it is like putting the horse before the cart... you just can't. You just have to trust me.
Dylan's birthday I remember looking at him delving into his elmo cake, in a room full of people staring at him with cheesy grins and pure joy... and thinking, its going by too fast. I need to stop the clock because I am scared I will blink at this time will be gone. And that scares me because, I have found such joy in these simple times.... I never want them to end. And just to be able to say that a year has flown by.... that in itself is telling of the joys I have found in being a mom. A YEAR used to be like... this really long time.... and now, its been a blink. Time flies when you are having fun. And flying it is.
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