I have been debating reactivating this blog. It began as a way to fill time as a mother of a newborn who needed to find a way to feel connected to a world beyond sleepless nights and diaper changes. When Dylan began moving and grooving, one thing I did not need anymore was time to fill. However, I have so much going on in my mind and heart after the Newton Elementary Shootings that I feel like I need to make time to express it all.
As a mother of a two year old boy and pregant with a 19 week old little girl, this weekend has been occupied with thoughts of saddness, fear and appreciation that I am still able to hold and love my babies. On Friday Dec 14th 2012, twenty innocent children were brutally killed in what should have been the save haven of their schools. These children were babies. Babies like yours and mine.
I have to forceable keep my mind from wondering about the final moments of these children. I imagine the children in my life that I love, my own child, my nephews, my friends children - I imagine their faces, their pain and my heart fills with a sorrow I cannot fully express. This morning I watched the President read the 20 names and saw the 20 faces and sobbed. One of the boys killed was named Dylan. He had beautiful blue eyes, just like my Dylan. For no rhyme or reason, he was taken from his parents that loved him. From a world that, to him, was filled with joy and newness. Sports and trains and Christmas cookies.
Words like "senseless, tragic, unimaginable, horrific" float through the news articles and social media. These are the best words we have, but do not come close to describing what happened. There aren't any words that can express the extent of sorrow the parents of these children are feeling. There aren't any words to express how this has affected the country either.
I can't watch the news. I know in my heart that the actual scenes from that day, or expressions of grief on those parents faces - won't hold a candle to the visions in my own mind. What I am picturing without help is already tearing me apart, so for the sake of my family I need to stay away from too much reality. I am reading articles and many thoughts come to mind. What can I do for these families? How can we honor the memories of the victims? What can be done to increase safety in our schools? What can be done to prevent psychopaths from getting assault weapons into their hands?
Its my strongest hope that the issue of Gun Control will be at the top of the Federal Governments list of discussion today. I hope that the impact of this tragedy will surpass processes and debates and simple common sense will come into play. I believe in the second Ammendment and in our right to bear arms. But I also know that that ammendment was created before AK 47's were created, before Glaucs and guns that can blow giant holes through concrete school walls.
The gunmens mother was a gun collector. The weapons he used to take 26 lives, including hers, were all readily available in his own home. Bought legally, to be displayed in the home of a troubled young man with a known personality disorder. So again, a mother, who was distrought over her sons mental disorders, collected assault weapons and stored them in the same home said son lived in. I never make a point to speak ill of the dead, but when NRA advocates say "Guns don't kill people, people do." and use this as a defense to keep gun control as is---- my response is.... yes, crazy people kill people... WITH GUNS.
Do I think that increasing gun control will eliminate crazy people from getting their hands on guns? No. I'm not that naive. But shouldn't we make it challenging at the least? Should AK 47s, Sig Sauer M400 and all the other military style weapons be readily available at your local Walmart? They have more of a variety of assault weapons than they do mens underwear. These are not guns used for hunting or to keep in your bedside table in the case of an intruder, no.... these are guns used for miltary defense and mass killings. And say so in the description. Yet Joe Smo from any old town with a Walmart can walk in and buy any variety of killing machines for "Sport" - shouldn't those be exclusively for the hands for trained, skilled, professionals and used for PROTECTION ONLY????
See for yourself: http://www.walmart.com/search/search-ng.do?cat_id=4125_4155_1088608&_refineresult=true&search_query=guns&ic=16_0&_refineresult=true&search_constraint=4125&&_mm=
When I find myself getting caught up in thought, I have to remind myself that I have two year old following me around that has no concept of death or guns, or shootings. I have a Christmas to attend to for him and need to fill our time with Santa visits and singing Christmas carols. And then Silent Night will come on the radio and I have to turn my back to him to hide my tears. The Christmas Spirit seems to have vanished from my heart thinking about those presents under the tree in 20 homes that have names on them that won't ever have a bright smile to match them.
Yesterday my husband and I took our little one to breakfast with Santa. Walking around the large banquet room I met eyes with all the other mothers and saw the same expression of forced Christmas cheer, with an underlying of shared grief. Shared fear and shared occupying thoughts of helplessness. You looked around the room, full of children and must force your mind from thoughts of what happened in those classrooms.
So I decided to vent these thoughts this morning. Today, 8 days away from my childs first real Christmas, I cannot do anything to change what happened to those children. I cannot change any of the mass shootings that have occured in the last several years, ending lives senselessly. I cannot march into the White House and demand police officers to be assigned to each and every school in America from daycare to College. I cannot cast my vote or state my opinion in Washington to make a change and make it yesterday. I can't do anything of great magnitude.... I not today at least.
But I can hug my child. I can take him to get a haircut and then to go buy a Christmas present for daddy. We can go buy his class a special treat for their Christmas party and we can go ahead and make his list for Santa. I can do this and I can make Christmas special for him and my family. I can and I will do this, this will be how I honor the Newton Elementry victims. I can and I will rekindle the Christmas Spirit in my heart and in my home. And the second the opportunity arises for me to share my voice, stand up as a mother for my child and for all the other children in this country - it won't take but a split second for me to get my shoes on.
Until that moment presents itself, I asked myself how I can get truly into the Christmas Spirit when all of these thoughts are overtaking my heart. How can I cozy up by the fire and watch Rundolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and be in that moment fully? I owe it to my son to truly be there in that moment with him - but how? And then, admittedly too late, then it occured to me. If I want that Christmas Spirit to fill my heart I need to remind myself of the meaning of Christmas.
As much as I always loved to decorate the tree and hang stockings over the fireplace - those are just traditions. Beautiful as they may be, thinking of those things as the Spirit of Christmas is completely backwards.
Christmas is the celebrate of the birth of Christ. The birth of a man who lived a life instilling morality into those around him. A man who made people belive in miracles, who preached loving thy neighbor and forgiving those who have sinned against you. A man who suffered a horrible death in the name of absorbing sin for mankind, so that we could all go to heaven and one day be united with our Creator and those who have passed before us. Christmas is celebrating all the good Jesus instilled in hearts and minds hundreds of years ago and continues to do so today.
God, Jesus, Allah - Darhma, none of these doctrines or all powerful beings ever promised there wouldnt' be pain, suffering or evil. We are not garuanteed a life full of happiness and free of sorrow simply because we believe in them. Tragedies happen in life, death of the young and old happens - everyday. Children are killed brutally over the world. Its never fair, its never ok and it never makes sense. The question becomes, do you believe that is their end? The terrible way in which they die - does that define them? Does knowing about it, or witnessing it, define your believes? Or do you believe that their lives, and our lives, are only a small part of our existence. Do you believe Revelations 7:13-17 "they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
I believe that there is a chance that we can all honor the memory of the victims by looking within our hearts and thanking God for what we have. That we can appreciate the small things and let the stress of bills, dirty dishes, pety arguments or feeling badly about our lives melt away. Because those things do not matter. What matters is love. What matters is famliy and friendships. What matters is kindness to those we love and to strangers. What matters is giving to those in need, whether it be food, or shelter or simply a smile. What matters is accepting each other and acknowledging the preciousness of life - in all forms. Maybe remembering these things, instilling them again into our hearts - maybe that is how we can honor them. Maybe finding in our souls a place that knows those little babies, and brave teachers, didn't just disappear from earth. If we can belive in our souls that they, and all who have gone before them, don't die - but they graduate to a higher exsistence where they will forever be at peace and live forever in the "Christmas" spirit - maybe that is what we should all strive to do in the face of this tragedy.
So today, that is what I will focus on and hope can too.
"The spirit of Christmas needs to superseded by the Spirit of Christ. The spirit of Christmas is annual; the Spirit of Christ is eternal. The spirit of Christmas is sentimental; the Spirit of Christ is supernatural. The spirit of Christmas is a human product; the Spirit of Christ is a divine person. That makes all the difference in the world. " - Stuart Briscoe
