Everything I do now is rushed. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I do not remember the last time I casually strolled through the grocery store, or took a long relaxing shower. Even when I am lucky enough to have a sitter, there is a deadline of how long I am baby free. With so many things that need to be done baby free and so little time to do them, I rush through it all when I have precious hours of someone watching him. I know that should I call my mom, or nana, to ask for an extra hour when time has gotten away from me, they will gladly give it to me. I still rush through the cleaning, rush through the shower, rush through grocery store, whatever it is, I am usually rushing. This is drastically different from before I was a mommy. I have never been a rusher.
You think about becoming a mom and you know that once the baby comes, life will be different. You expect to adapt to the change and still be the same old person you always have been. Over and over again you hear about how you never realized how happy you could be until you become a parent. That once you have a child you'll wonder why you waited so long. I think I expected that change to be instant. But honestly for me it wasn't.
The first four months have been a complete blur of learning experiences. Learning how to change diapers at record speed, how to get your baby to stop crying, how to give your baby a bath or get him dressed. Learning what he likes and doesn't like, educating yourself on all the latest "baby should do's" and the "baby never do's". I've enthralled myself so completely in how to be a good mom and all that is Dylan - that I only recently have reflected on how I've changed. All the ways this experience has made me a new person.
I can walk by a woman in the grocery store and tell just by looking at her if she is a mom. I think there is a different look in a mothers eye, a different manner about her where its transparent to other moms. Its especially easy to spot when you are in line with a full cart and a screaming baby... the sisterhood of mothers is a secret blessing among us. Even if its just a knowing glance of "i've been there, and its ok" - it makes all the difference in the world. But the point is that once you become a mom, you really are elevated to a new level of existence that only other mothers understand. I don't think father share this same level of being. I grew up with the best daddy in the world and my husband blows me away at how wonderful of a father he is, but there is this deeper, undescribable level of love when you are a mother. I truly isn't something I can put into words, but I guess as mom your children are extentions of you. Like your arm or your foot just detached from your body and are walking around as individuals. So if someone stepped on your detached foot you'd feel it just as strongly as if it were still connected to your leg. I am not sure fathers share that type of connection, or even quite understand it. The only other people in the world that can possibly understand what I mean, are other mothers.
Like I said though, I have only started to recognize this change just recently. Its in moments, pieces of your day that you put together over time and realize all of the sudden - omg, I am not the same person. For example, I have always been conscious of my looks. Its kind of a joke with my friends if I walk by a mirror or a building with reflective windows, I can't help but check myself out. Does my hair look like it did before I left the house? Does this outfit still make me look skinny? Do my shoes really match this shirt? I don't remember the moment that I stopped looking, that I stopped caring as much. I had seen Oprah episodes where moms lost their looks and all got makeovers and I distinctly remember thinking that would NEVER happen to me. Ever. And then just as distinctly I remember the dreaded moment, about 2 months after Dylan was born, that I caught a glipse of myself in the mirror and was horrified.
My blonde highlights were faded so bad that my hair just looked dirty, the roots were so bad and I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten them done. Counting back I almost started to cry when I realized it was early Feb the last hair appointment I had and here it was almost the end of May. How was it possible that I hadn't even thought about my hair in that long. My eyes lowered to my body, something that I purposely had not allowed myself to do but once - and at the time I was on hydrocodine so it didn't hit me as hard as it did now. I was wearing one of Jons t-shirts and it was tight on me, so I could see the outline of my saggy boobs and lumpy budda belly. That may sound harsh to say about my own body, but it is what it is. I was only 2 months post pregnancy, so this was to be expected, but not at all any easier to deal with. And I drifted back up to my face. My pale make up-less face with dark circles under my eyes. That person, was not me. Both because of my physical body, but more so for the fact that it had taken this long for me to care!
Nothing matters as much as it did before. The things that seemed so important or bothered me endlessly, just don't phase me anymore. Like if a friend is upset with me for canceling a dinner, or who is dating who, who is cheating on who... all that gossipy stuff... don't hold my attention at all. I think there is divided line among us "those who have children" and "those who don't" and I don't think its just because of the actual children, but because of the people we become once we have them.
Life is more precious now and seems like its sped up. Family, which has always been important, is now THE most important thing. Nothing or no-one holds a candle to my family. Its a new world, the one with Dylan in it. I have a new life that started the second I laid eyes on him. I look back on just months before he was born and think of those times as my distant past. Even just a year ago seems like a lifetime ago. But I like this new me, I like her a lot and I owe it all to my little detached foot.
•“Making the decision to become a mother - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”- Elizabeth Stone
