the new me

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” - Rajneesh


Everything I do now is rushed. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I do not remember the last time I casually strolled through the grocery store, or took a long relaxing shower. Even when I am lucky enough to have a sitter, there is a deadline of how long I am baby free. With so many things that need to be done baby free and so little time to do them, I rush through it all when I have precious hours of someone watching him. I know that should I call my mom, or nana, to ask for an extra hour when time has gotten away from me, they will gladly give it to me. I still rush through the cleaning, rush through the shower, rush through grocery store, whatever it is, I am usually rushing. This is drastically different from before I was a mommy. I have never been a rusher.

You think about becoming a mom and you know that once the baby comes, life will be different. You expect to adapt to the change and still be the same old person you always have been. Over and over again you hear about how you never realized how happy you could be until you become a parent. That once you have a child you'll wonder why you waited so long. I think I expected that change to be instant. But honestly for me it wasn't.

The first four months have been a complete blur of learning experiences. Learning how to change diapers at record speed, how to get your baby to stop crying, how to give your baby a bath or get him dressed. Learning what he likes and doesn't like, educating yourself on all the latest "baby should do's" and the "baby never do's". I've enthralled myself so completely in how to be a good mom and all that is Dylan - that I only recently have reflected on how I've changed. All the ways this experience has made me a new person.

I can walk by a woman in the grocery store and tell just by looking at her if she is a mom. I think there is a different look in a mothers eye, a different manner about her where its transparent to other moms. Its especially easy to spot when you are in line with a full cart and a screaming baby... the sisterhood of mothers is a secret blessing among us. Even if its just a knowing glance of "i've been there, and its ok" - it makes all the difference in the world. But the point is that once you become a mom, you really are elevated to a new level of existence that only other mothers understand. I don't think father share this same level of being. I grew up with the best daddy in the world and my husband blows me away at how wonderful of a father he is, but there is this deeper, undescribable level of love when you are a mother. I truly isn't something I can put into words, but I guess as mom your children are extentions of you. Like your arm or your foot just detached from your body and are walking around as individuals. So if someone stepped on your detached foot you'd feel it just as strongly as if it were still connected to your leg. I am not sure fathers share that type of connection, or even quite understand it. The only other people in the world that can possibly understand what I mean, are other mothers.

Like I said though, I have only started to recognize this change just recently. Its in moments, pieces of your day that you put together over time and realize all of the sudden - omg, I am not the same person. For example, I have always been conscious of my looks. Its kind of a joke with my friends if I walk by a mirror or a building with reflective windows, I can't help but check myself out. Does my hair look like it did before I left the house? Does this outfit still make me look skinny? Do my shoes really match this shirt? I don't remember the moment that I stopped looking, that I stopped caring as much. I had seen Oprah episodes where moms lost their looks and all got makeovers and I distinctly remember thinking that would NEVER happen to me. Ever. And then just as distinctly I remember the dreaded moment, about 2 months after Dylan was born, that I caught a glipse of myself in the mirror and was horrified.

My blonde highlights were faded so bad that my hair just looked dirty, the roots were so bad and I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten them done. Counting back I almost started to cry when I realized it was early Feb the last hair appointment I had and here it was almost the end of May. How was it possible that I hadn't even thought about my hair in that long. My eyes lowered to my body, something that I purposely had not allowed myself to do but once - and at the time I was on hydrocodine so it didn't hit me as hard as it did now. I was wearing one of Jons t-shirts and it was tight on me, so I could see the outline of my saggy boobs and lumpy budda belly. That may sound harsh to say about my own body, but it is what it is. I was only 2 months post pregnancy, so this was to be expected, but not at all any easier to deal with. And I drifted back up to my face. My pale make up-less face with dark circles under my eyes. That person, was not me. Both because of my physical body, but more so for the fact that it had taken this long for me to care!

Nothing matters as much as it did before. The things that seemed so important or bothered me endlessly, just don't phase me anymore. Like if a friend is upset with me for canceling a dinner, or who is dating who, who is cheating on who... all that gossipy stuff... don't hold my attention at all. I think there is divided line among us "those who have children" and "those who don't" and I don't think its just because of the actual children, but because of the people we become once we have them.


Life is more precious now and seems like its sped up. Family, which has always been important, is now THE most important thing. Nothing or no-one holds a candle to my family. Its a new world, the one with Dylan in it. I have a new life that started the second I laid eyes on him. I look back on just months before he was born and think of those times as my distant past. Even just a year ago seems like a lifetime ago. But I like this new me, I like her a lot and I owe it all to my little detached foot.

•“Making the decision to become a mother - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”- Elizabeth Stone

to do

List of things to do today - in order:

1. Feed baby
2. Change baby diaper - put him in bouncy seat, turn seasame st on
3. Feed dogs
4. Make Coffee
5. Throw load of laundry in washer
6. Sweep Floors
7. Move baby to exersaucer
8. Vacum floors
9. Put baby down for nap
10. Throw clothes in dryer
11. Fold clean clothes
12. Clean bottles
13. Feed baby
14. Change Baby
15. Put baby in play pen
16. Mop Floors
17. Do dishes
18. Clean kitchen
19. Move baby back to bouncy seat
20. Fold clothes, throw another load in
21. Take trash out
22. Clean baby toys
23. Move baby to play mat
24. Put away clean toys
25. Put clean clothes away
26. Check mail
27. Put baby down for next nap
28. dust
29. change sheets on bed
30. Clean up toys around pool
31. Address invitations for shower
32. Order shower presents
33. Order food for shower
34. make grocery list
35. feed baby
36. change baby
37. go to grocery store
38. come home, unload groceries
39. change baby
40. start dinner
41. pick up crying baby in middle of cooking
42. go back to dinner
43. bath baby
44. get him ready for bed
45. feed him
46. rock him to sleep
47. eat
48. watch tv with hubby
49. fall asleep exhausted
50. get up 2 hrs later....

Fuck it... I'm just gonna play with the baby today. Everything else can wait and i can deal with it until then.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." - Phyllis Diller

Saturday!

It was so great to wake up this morning with my husband here for the day! It gets pretty lonely all day around the house with only a 4mth old and dogs to talk to. If there was a fly on the wall during my days it would think I was nuts. I talk to my dogs like they are people, but I swear that they do understand me.

Instead of walking around half dazed, 7am approached and he went and got the baby out of his swing. We laid him on the bed, he changed his diaper while I went and warmed up a bottle. Then we both just tickled and played with him for a while, before I went downstairs and made breakfast. The idea of actually making breakfast instead of just having coffee until lunch is exciting in itself. And now I have blogging time!

Its funny how I am so looking forward to this day because with both of us here we will have time to clean the garage & do a little yard work. Where once Saturdays meant sleeping in and plannin big nights out. I have to say, I don't really miss it. Well, the sleeping in part wouldn't be so bad.

It just makes me think of moms who dont have a second pair of hands. I mean I believe that it truly does take a village to raise a vhild. We are so blessed to have unlimited hands, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, grandpa, great-grandma's, best friends... I truly cannot fathem being a single mom, without any help. There are so many women out there like that. Who raise their childrem totally on their own. Just what it must take to work, keep a home, raise a healthy and happy child - alone. Those may be the strongest people on the planet. I truly don't think I would ever been able to appreciate those mothers until being one myself, with so much help and still feeling like I could be doing better. I know all moms share this thought, that they do their best, but want to do better for their children. I think that is what makes a great mom.

So to all you working single moms out there, I applaude you. You are nothing but inspiration to the rest of us. I am honestly in awe of you and please tell yourself that you are amazing everyday.

A glimpse...

In the begining of my venture into motherhood I immediately felt like a bit of a failure. I spent the first six weeks awake - literally. In six weeks I may have gotten about 40 hours of sleep total, and the majority of that sleep happened on nights where my wonderful mother spent the night to help out. I constantly felt like I was not totally there for the baby because it was all I could do to force my body to go through the motions...

pick up baby, change diaper, make bottle, feed baby, burp baby, rock baby back to sleep, put baby down.... lay down, lay awake and brace yourself for the next cry, finally doze off... wake up twenty minutes later to the inevible cry... start from the top...

There was no such thing as time as I knew it anymore. I was now on baby time and 100% committed to his every need every waking moment. Somewhere in my dreary haze I tried to make an actual connection with my child. Something more than meeting his basic needs... I wanted to play with him, tickle him... try and get a smile, sing, dance... every second of which was half asleep. And because I was on baby time I didn't realize it was 6pm until my husband walked through the door to a house that looked like a baby tornado had zipped through the place. Bottles on the floor, pacies strewn about the house, diapers on the kitchen counter, dishes from the night before in the sink, piles of dirty laundry waiting to be washed, piles of cleaned clothes waiting to be put away, a bedroom littered with baby clothes & other baby related items... a wife who hasn't so much as brushed her teeth or changed out of the nightgown I had been wearing since yesterday... forget a shower. And a baby who had only had his basic needs met for the majority of the day because his mommy was stretched so thin anything beyond that might just break her.

This mommy thing was not how I had envisioned it. I pictured mornings on our deck, sipping coffee while my baby napped silently beside me. I would then spend mornings playing and laughing with my baby, afternoons shopping for groceries, late afternoons keeping the house perfectly neat and evenings eating homemade dinners with my husband. I'd work out everyday, I'd have more time (since I wasn't working) to spend with friends, I'd walk the dogs with the baby in tow... right. ha.

Words of encouragement flowed from vetran mommys. It would get better, he'd start sleeping longer at night, he'd get on his own schedule, I'd be able to have some sort of a day or moment to have one thought that didn't revolve around the baby... and while I knew it had to be true, that time seemed so far from the moment I was in I couldn't picture it. I couldn't picture it at all.

And then days ticked by and I started getting used to the lack of sleep. I resolved to take a shower in the morning, even if the baby cried through it the whole time. He'd be ok for 5 minutes... I started letting family watch him so I could go and work out... I learned where to put him so that I could cook, or clean. We learned together how to make it through the day with both of our needs met. I felt better and found times to play with him on the floor without feeling like I should be doing something else. What else should I be doing other than spending quality time with this beautiful baby boy?

I started cleaning power hour at 4pm, what point was there to clean in the morning? The baby tornado would just come right behind me and mess it all up again. But from 4-5 I put the baby in his bouncy seat, in front of elmo, with a clean diaper and a full belly - and cleaned all I could clean in that hour. It just made me feel better to have accomplished some daily chores and not feel as much of a horrible housewife.

After cleaning hour was over, I moved the baby in his seat to the kitchen counter. He'd watch me cook, I'd play music and sing to him while I prepared that nights dinner. I learned that I loved to cook - and I am really good at it. And that there might not be anything more fun than doing something you love while your precious little baby watches and smiles along with you. I can say that its now my favorite time of the day. One of those daily routine memories that I know for certain I will always remember and look back upon fondly. Just me and the baby, and the dogs at my feet. It was a struggle to get here, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Too Pretty to be Fat

I distinctly remember this picture being taken and thinking I was fat. Four years later and I want to blow it up, frame it and put it over the fireplace for all to see. I think its the curse for all women, no matter their size, to consider themselves fat. I am sure we can all relate to this scenerio, thinking of a time that we thought we were fat in our past and looking back years later wishing for that body again.

About a year ago I was the biggest I have ever been (until now that is) at a size 12. The condition that my body was in at the time helped push along the desire to get pregnant. I thought "well if I was pregnant at least I'd have an excuse to be fat... I'll worry about loosing the weight after the baby". If I only had access to Doc Brown or the DeLorean...



If I were able to go back in time I would probably slap myself, maybe even twice. You know that friend of yours, that skinnier than you friend, who always commplains about how fat she is? Yeah, thats sort of how I look at myself a year ago... now anyway.

When I got pregnant I am pretty sure that one of my first thoughts was "ok bring on the ice cream sundae's" and I am positive that thinking continued right up until I went into labor. Cheeseburgers, pizza, burritos - you name it - if it was delicious and bad for you - I probably ate it. Picture a pregnant Cookie Monster and that will give you an idea. I mean, what else was there for me to do? Most of the things I enjoyed prior to being pregnant I couldn't do anymore (drink, smoke, eat sushi, stay up past 10) so if eating what I wanted made me happy - then eating what I wanted I shall do.

The thought is, this is the one time in your life you are able to indulge. Guilt free eating for 10 months... but I tell you what, I will NEVER have that mindset in. I will for sure be pregnant at least once more and I will run this thought through my preggers mind every time I ask for a Big Mac "size 16 = too small".

I am not saying its going to be easy. After a long day at work, pregnant and tired, the thought of putting together a healthy meal is revolting. You are emotional, think you look fat anyway and honestly feel you deserve Taco Bell. But if I knew then how fat I'd feel now, how hard it is to loose this weight, how no matter how much weight I loose I am still going to have the strechy tummy skin flap - I'd call the Fat Police on myself. "Put the Mint Chocolate Chip concrete down and walk away slowly!"

I started the low carb diet last week and ruined that this weekend, so I am starting over again this week. Official Fat Police business... drop 30 pounds in 4 months. The first wedding I am in this fall is the first weekend in Oct. My goal is to alter my size 18 dress down to a 12 by September. So I stay motivated, I am putting a calendar next to my scale and documenting my daily weight loss. Pray for me... I'm too pretty to be fat (or so my grandmother tells me;)) I gotta say, she's got a point. Because I tell you what, I have high hopes for myself of becoming a MILF and DO NOT want to look back on these days and call them my "skinny days"... By March 2011 I want to see this (what I once thought of as fat) body again...

sleep baby sleep... please!

Most of you know that newborns don't sleep through the night. In my experience my baby slept maybe 30mins to an hour before waking up and staying awake for about an hour each night. Needless to say, mommy was tired.

According to one of the many baby books I have read, Happiest Baby on the Block, human babies are born about a trimester too soon. Basically because human brains are so large that if they stayed in the womb any longer then their head would be too big to come out. The author calls the 1st three months of newborns lives the 4th trimester. And if you've been through pregnancy you know that the more you move around, the more the baby sleeps. When you sit still, the baby starts to move around. So...

#1 - Let baby sleep in swing

Newborns like motion, it lulls them to sleep. Not to mention most swings are elevated, which makes me feel better because if he spits up in his sleep he is less likely to choke. We started him swinging and slowing decreased the pace he was swining. Now he sleeps in the swing, but we don't turn it on. Soon we are going to phase him to the crib, but probably not until 6mths during the night. I do have him sleeping in his crib for naps now though.

#2 - Get a sound machine!

In the womb the sounds babies here is like a constant white noise. We were given a sound machine at our shower (thank you beverly!) and I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to put it to use... such a rookie. We put the sound of rain on and it stays on constantly in his nursery. As soon as we busted that thing out it was amazing the difference it made.

#3 - Feed the baby every 2 hours at bedtime

One reason babies wake up is because they are hungry. During the day I feed him about every 3 hours, then I feed him 5 ounces at 5:30 and again at 7:30 at bedtime. It keeps him full longer and has made a big difference.

#4 - Put them to sleep awake

I have just started this and began it for naptimes during the day. They are supposed to take a nap every two hours they are awake. I know thats what Dylan seems to do naturally and I try to encourage his natural sleep patterns. So when I can tell he is getting sleepy (which is about every two hours) I go ahead and put him upstairs in his swing, after rocking him for a bit. While he is still away, but with heavy eyes I put him in his swing and leave the room. Supposedly if they can teach themselves to go to sleep during the day, they get themselves back to sleep during the night when they wake up as well. I have noticed a major change this week after I started this, we've almost entirely skipped the 12am feeding all together. I will hear him through the monitor and give him 10 mins of whimpering (if he wakes up with the screaming cry I just get him up, but you know the differences in the cries) - and after that he usually just gets himself back to sleep. Its amazing!

#5 - Swaddle

Babies are accustomed to feeling cramped and I think that they find comfort in that. So to mimic the womb also means to imitate that feeling. Which means swaddling. We just take a light weight blanket and tuck it tightly around and under him in the swing (since its hard to swaddle them and buckle them in the swing).

I'm no doctor, but these tips all helped us tremendously and I highly recommend them!

Lessons from Glinda the Good Witch

Dorothy: Oh will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas. You've had it all along.
Dorothy: I have?
The Scarecrow: Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda, the Good Witch of the North: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
The Tin Man: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!"
Glinda: Home is a place we all must find, child. It's not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing. Knowing your mind, knowing your heart, knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we're always home, anywhere.

I think that I have spent a lot of my life searching. Wondering if I made some change, would that make me more who I am, or happier. Don't get my wrong, I wasn't depressed or miserable, but I think its a quest we are all constantly on. Wanting something different, dreaming of a better house, better job, more money, owning our own business... its different for everyone. Whatever it is for you, I am sure you can relate.

For me, one of the greatest things about becoming a mother is that I have stopped searching. I mean I still have dreams, I still want to accomplish the same goals I had before, but the urgency is gone. Its ok to take life one day at a time, its ok for life to slow down... as a matter of fact I find myself wishing life would slow down even more. I've never before really just wanted time to stop right in its tracks until motherhood.

I love watching the baby grow and learn new things. But at the same time I don't want him to grow at all, I want him to stay a baby forever. Its kind of like when you get a puppy and then a year or two later, you want a puppy again. Something about having something so little and cute that is totally reliant on you... except as much as you love your puppy its about 100x more when its your child.

So far motherhood has brought me full circle. I've lived in the same neighborhood almost my entire life and have spent the last five years here daydreaming about moving back to the beach. I felt like the beach was where my heart really was. Every time I was there I just felt so at peace and more myself. If it wasn't for my husband, I probably would be living there now.

But now, with Dylan in my life, I realized something wonderful. That need to make a change, live at the beach... searching to constantly up the anti on my happiness meter... it was put to rest as soon as I had the baby. Everything just fell right into place and I had a whole new perspective on life. Within a matter of seconds, holding my baby for the first time I was more at peace with my life than I ever have been. All of the pieces just fit.

My life became much clearer and I realized how blessed I am to have the life I do. My family and Jons family - right down the street, there to help with the baby. Surrounded by friends I have known and loved my entire life, all only a phone call away. Living in a town that I have grown up in, know the ins and outs of just about everywhere. Life had been pretty good to me and now its only gotten better.

My home, my happiness and peace is upstairs sleeping in his nursery right now. And as Dorthy would say, if I ever feel the need to go searching for my hearts desire again, I just need to look in my own backyard... or in my case... the room across the hall.