Kind of a controversal topic. Some mothers are so passionate about it they secretly, or sometimes openly, condemn other mothers who do not breastfeed. Then there are the women who try and after a bit conclude: its not for them. And then there are the women like me who really didn't have much of a choice.
Before pregnancy I was a DD cup size... during pregnancy I reached bra sizes that I didn't even know existed. My boobs were so enormous even the maternity stores didn't carry a size that fit my extra large melons. I went to Dillards and basically asked for the biggest cup size they had... which is difficult because usually those huge cup sizes are reserved for the larger ladies. So finding a size huge cup size and a size medium bra, was a feat in itself. The nice lady who worked there had to search the racks up and down and finally found the single bra that would work best... and best wasn't exactly a fit, but it worked.
Flashforward 4 days after giving birth and holy melons. Literally... when my milk came in melons really is an understatement, by breasts were literally bigger than my head. Literally. No wonder my poor tiny baby screamed uncontrollably every time he was placed near my breast to feed. He was scared to death, he was being forced onto something 10x the size of his own body.
In order for me to even hold him to my breast I needed a third hand. I had to hold my single breat with two hands so that I would not sufficate the poor thing. This is no exaggeration. Those hospitals are smart, they only put mirrors in the bathrooms that go from the shoulders up. Because I had no idea the extent of my gargantuamness until I got home to my evil full length mirror. As my sister put it, i looked like a fertility goddess.
So it was not a hard decision to realize that it was not going to be physically possible to feed him on the breast. But of course I wanted to give my baby the best nutrition I could offer, so my next venture was the wonderful world of pumping. ugh! You are supposed to pump every two hours and each pumping session lasted about 30-45 minutes.
Lets put aside the 1970's machine I rented from the pediatrician that makes you feel like a milk cow. I won't factor in the rawness the pumping does to your nipples or the issue of prolonging the "can'ts". Really, what was the worst of it was that it rendered me completely useless every hour and a half. I couldn't hold the baby while pumping, I couldn't change a diaper while pumping, I couldn't do anything for him while pumping. Yes, I was pumping for him, but when babies have needs they are immediate...babies don't hold of screaming until you are done pumping. And sure, I tried to wait until he was napping or content, but we all know that those moments don't exactly last 30 mins as we would like.
After a week of pumping I made another decision: thats it, its not happening, dylan is going to be a formula baby. Of course ideally I wanted him to have my breastmilk. I know that its better for his digestion and some studies show that it keeps bacteria out of their stomachs, that may be a cause of SIDS. And then there is the fact that its free and a natural way to get the baby weight off. There are all kinds of benefits... but if pumping is your only option and you are home alone with the baby, you have to have nerves of steel to make it work. I am not one of those women. I was frazzled to say the least and it was beginning to effect my mood around my son, my husband and family. The pump was quite literally sucking the life out of me.
This was my journey and choice. Dylan is now on the top of the line formula, I have researched and it is the next best thing to breastmilk. No formula completely mimics breastmilk, but this is the closest I could find. I hope it doesn't come across like I am trying to explain myself because I don't really feel like I owe anyone explanation. But if you find yourself in a similar situation and breastfeeding just isn't working, don't beat yourself up about it. If like me it is something that is making you feel emotionally miserable, believe me that is translating to your child. If mama isn't happy, baby isn't happy. It was my personal choice to focus on being happy and making sure my baby was happy and to stop forcing myself to do something that just wasn't working.
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