you know you are a mommy when....

1. you deem it to be ok to go into public wearing if there is only one puke stain on your shirt
2. your purse is actually a diaper bag
3. instead of wishing for a shoes from saks for xmas you now are keeping your fingers crossed for the jogging stroller with a mps3 player
4. elmo is your new best friend.
5. you feel really accomplished if you are able to shower, blow dry your hair, put on make up and even put together an outfit before 5pm. or at all. or even one of those things.
6. you have a whole new understanding and respect for "mom jeans"
7. there are multiple people in your life who ask you how many times the baby pooped today... and are genuinely interested in the answer.
8. you've even uttered the sentence "I think i may just wear maternity clothes from here on out." or "i just wish my stomach would stick out further than my boobs"
9. a "great find" has gone from antique jewelry at the flee market to babysitters with college degrees & a car!
10. date night is literally just dinner, glass of wine & rushing through desert to make it home before babysitter starts charging overtime... instead of dinner, bottle of wine, drinks at a nearby bar & then late night dance party at the house.
11. you have mastered the art of doing dishes, laundry, vacuming, eating, making coffee, getting dressed, making a bottle and cooking - all with one arm.
12. you consider your house clean if there are only a few dishes in the sink, half the toys are put up & the laundry room door is closed.
13. you are grumpy all day if oprah didn't record.
14. the scene from sex and the city where miranda gets poop on her forehead isn't as funny as it used to be.
15. you find yourself suddenly listening to your mother on a regular basis.
16. deciding between eating or sleeping is actually a difficult decision.
17. you don't even register the sound of crying babies in public anymore, as long as its not yours you are all good.
18. every decision you make throughout your day completely revolves around someone elses nap schedule.
19. you could teach lessons on how to "happily fight" with your husband...ie...telling him exactly how angry you are that he forgot mothers day with a smile on your face. (and yes he did...)
20. you find yourself commenting on how the teenager girls today are wearing their skirts too short or playing music so loud in their car they could wake the baby when they drive by.

and you are completely happy about every bit of it.... well except for the mothers day thing... i was pretty pissed about that. i mean just because your bday and mothers day fall within 3 wks of each other does not make it a combo holiday!

;)

Finding in Peace

I have a quote on my refridgerator that I love... "Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart."

I remember when and why I bought this magnet. I was in the Fresh Market (because I could afford to shop there at the time) after a long day at work and it just resignated with me so deeply. You see, I was in a job at the time that I was really successful at and had great potential to continue to see success - but I didn't feel peace in my heart. And when you are in a situation like that, where all signs point to stupidity if you give it up - but in your heart you are troubled at the thought - its difficult to feel at peace. This is life's journey afterall, finding peace, finding happiness - chasing dreams. But I didn't want to constantly be in a race for those things, I wanted to actually make the decisions and do the things that helped me actually reach them.

When you aren't happy because of some thing - whatever it is, you hate your boyfriend, your job, you are lonely - usually the cure is clear cut - its just never simple. Its the fear of taking that step, the "road less followed", that keeps us constantly dreaming of something better - instead of being there. Which always seemed so crazy to me, but still I got up every day and played a part of a worker bee going through the motions towards a successful career.

This isnt' to say I didn't find happiness at times, or feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of hard day - even if it was a bad day. My philosphy on everything is that if you are going to be there anyway - you might as well give it your all. So I'd say 94% of the time, I did exactly that. I looked at any given moment throughout the day as an opportunity to succeed, to take on whatever it was with passion, pride & drive. I think anyone who commits themselves to what they are doing in that way a destined to do well. This also means putting on blinders to the crap though and I think for me, it got to a point where it felt like the crap was splashing in my face and I just didn't want to stink all the time.

Really, truth be told, I am not meant to be a corporate office person. I am a creative person, I paint, I am a photographer, I write, I want to change the world with one really insightful sentence or beautiful picture. I feel like my purpose is to make a difference in some positive way, I still don't exactly know what that will be - but I do know becoming a mother is my first step in that direction.

Thats what did it for me, thats when all the pieces fell in front of me and it was like fate was saying "here's your chance". I think we all have that moment, a fork in the road where we have a chance to make a choice that will change to course of our lives for... well a while. Maybe not forever because I don't think anything is that permanent. But you have a single moment when it becomes clear that you can either choose what your heart is telling you to do or you can go with the responsible thing your head is telling you to do. Most of the time its either or too, because heart and mind rarely are in sync I've found. Luckily, in my life at this particular moment I could choose to go with my heart - for me if I chose the responsible thing, it would almost be selfish in a materialistic way. Because I chose to be a working mother I would resent my days because I wouldn't be true to myself and I'd only be doing that so I could buy great shoes or shop at pottery barn - things that I like - but not things that I need.

Gosh and that decision really threw me. For months I struggled with identify. I had no idea who I was anymore. For the last six years I worked. First I was this Marketing Manager for a really cool promotion job and after that I was a corportate career woman. Now here I am barely leaving my house or taking a shower watching TLC all day. Is this the life I chose? Really? If this is that greener side of life, then I guess life just is kinda dull.

I think I thought life was out to get me in a sense. There were so many joyful things in my life and its like I could see what those things were, but they were in black and white. A dull noise in the background of my thoughts. I was focusing on the sad things and having to remind myself to look at the good things. It wasn't great timing to be post pardum and loose one of your best friends either. I think that I will probably write a blog soon totally about PPD but for the purpose of this one - I could not stop thinking about my friend. I was sad, I was really sad and I had to glaze over that saddness because I was also a new mom and supposed to be glowlingly happy. And I was... most of the time... but when you can't be sad and you are sad, its diffifult to be truly happy. That's when the nightmares started. And even though I was sleeping little, I didn't want to sleep at all. Until one night I finally slept, and I had a dream. Not a nightmare, but a dream. Long dream short, it was of a happy Amanda, who didn't have cancer and wasn't in physical or emotional pain. She was smiling and I can remember her opening a door, she was dresses as a ladybug I want to say (one of those cute little ladybug halloween outfits) and there was a party wherever she was. She gave me a hug and I started to walk in the door and she shook her head, winked and closed the door. From behind the glass she pointed for me to turn around and smiled. To me it was her way of saying, I'm happy, your are invited to this party but not for a while and in the meantime go live your freakin life. If you are reading this and you ever even met Amanda, this makes total sense... even the ladybug costume. And if you know me at all you know that I am a strong believer that we leave our bodies behind, but our souls live on... and that I think we can connect with them through dreams & electricity (also probably another blog;)...

Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I was a whiney little brat. "The world owes me, happiness will never find me, I have people I love in my life - but not a life I love." Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!

We get to decide our lives - its true. That means we get to decide what makes us happy and then we have the choice to actually do those things or just be sad we don't do them. I knew during those working years and first few months that painting makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Photography makes me happy. Spending time with my family makes me happy. Spending time with good friends, makes me happy. Working out sucks, but it makes me happy. Cleaning sucks, but a clean house makes me happy....

Ok so how stupid are you when you spell it out in front of you, all the things that make you happy, and you just sit back and whine because you aren't happy. Pretty freakin stupid. Get up! Go to the gym! Pick up your camera! Paint some freakin mountains! Seriously...

The other day, I was sitting on a blanket in the front yard with the baby. It was a beautiful day and we just sat there watching cars drive by. For maybe an hour. There was a time where instead of doing that, I would be in a cubicle getting screamed at by some jerk who was mad because I spelled his name wrong. And there was a time not long ago where I'd be sitting inside with the shades closed not even realizing the beautiful day I was missing. But not now, now I am totally at peace - no tv, no phone, no computer - sitting on a blanket watching cars drive by.

My point is when we find ourselves constantly searching for this unobtainable happiness, we need to really sit in a quiet place - nothing but you and maybe a pen and paper (not your blackberry or lap top) but just you and a journal. You know the answer, you know the things that make you happy. Write them down. I promise once you think of one thing, you'll think of another.

In the midst of my, what I now realize was post pardum depression, Jon and I got into a HUGE fight. HUGE. I was whining on about how unhappy I was, which to him was very hard to hear because of the fact... #1 I think he is the happiest he's ever been and #2 he felt like a failure as a husband if his wife is so unhappy... so we were fighting. He asked me..."What do you like then Betsy, what things do you enjoy to do" --- this set me off. I was so mad at him. I screamed yelled, it was a big fight. But really, looking back, I wasn't mad at him at all. I was mad at the mirror he held up to my face, because I had been asking myself that for so long. And I knew the answers, but somehow my heart could not connect to my head. It took me banishing my cell phone (many of you remember this month)... banishing my computer, sitting alone, sitting quiet and asking myself what I liked. Sometimes its thouse simple questions that really throw you.

As women, as mothers, as daughters, as friends, wives, girlfriends, whatever--- we tend to loose ourselves in the mix. Its our blessing and our curse. But ever now and then you have to stop and remember who you are. Even if it means including it on your to do list. But you have to do it. Because I've learned in life that happiness comes and goes with lifes changes.




Once you think you are good, happy and you are there - some curve ball comes around and throws you back onto your unhappy ass and you become a whiney baby again. Which is ok and I think needs to happen so you can refresh your happy to do list. Remind yourself what it is that makes you happy and remind yourself to DO THEM. Oh, you like to read... maybe you should by a book dummy! You are depressed because your house is never clean, lets go grab the broom. Because happiness doesnt just fall in your lap... it takes identifying the things that make you happy and then CHOOSING the corresponding action. Afterall, that to me is the secret to happiness, to life.... making the actual choice to be happy and to live.

I think once you make that choice, you find peace with the world and with yourself. Just like Carrie Bradshaw (yep quoting S & the C) says - the most important relastionship in this world is the one you have with yourself. You have to make that relationship work first and I think once you do all the others in your life will be the best they are meant to be. And living can be sitting at home on a Saturday night, reading a book and enjoying yourself 100x more than being at some party or drunk as a skunk. It all starts with being true to you.

Wow... feeling philosophical today I guess:) ok back to wiping a poopy butt:)

Going First

No one ever really wants to go first. In my case and my circle, I have been close to the front for all of lifes big changes. Mainly, getting married and having a baby.

I think it takes a great maturity to be the first of your friends to make these big leaps. Not the actual act of getting married, or having a baby, anyone can do those things mature or not (whether or not you can do them well is another blog) but it takes maturity to be first because the culture of your life changes so dramatically. When your life changes in significant ways, in ways that your friends around you can't possibly understand, you begin to see your friends drift away. They don't know they are doing it, but they drift away because they don't understand.

Let me paint a picture for you... lets say you are sitting around your house and you decide that you need to run to the store:

When you don't have a child: put on shoes, grab keys & purse... walk out the door that instant.

With a child: Wait for baby to wake up from nap, change baby diaper, feed baby, make sure baby has clean warm clothes, pack diaper bag, double check diaper bag, grab shoes, keys wallet, take purse and bag out to car, come back and load baby into car seat, go back to car and load baby into car... and after at least 2 hrs you are on your way! And I must mention here that us mothers have mastered the art of speed shopping. Gone are the days of leisurely shopping in any sense of the word, under any cirucumstance. So friends without children, please enjoy your next shopping trip and think of me and appreciate that moment of trying on the same two dresses 4 times before you make a decision.

So when I get a call from a friend asking if I want to go to dinner, or meet at the mall or meet for lunch.... and I say I can't go but have no real excuse, its because my excuse is that I'm a mom and you aren't and so you dont' understand why its impossible for me to meet you. Its different when I interact with my few other mom friends. We plan to meet weeks in advance so that we can start baby on nap schedule that will be condusive for this plan, and also have a mutal understand that these plans will change multiple times before they actually happen - if they actually happen.

You see there is no way to explain to my childless friends what it is like. Why my life is different, why they see less of me, why they hear less of me. Its impossible to assure them that I love them as much, still think of them as much and am still their friend from a distance. That if you need me for anything, I will be there - it just will surely take me longer to get there.

I think whats interesting is that I don't get bothered or upset when my friends get bothered or upset with me. I can think of a time that I had planned to meet a friend for lunch and literally 10 mins before we were supposed to be there I called frantic and said it wasn't going to happen. Dylan was fussing, I mean screaming his blue face not going to breath scream, and I was a wreck. I was dressed, dressed baby and hungry. I was looking forward to being in public, looking presentable & having a real conversation with a dear friend. But it wasn't going to happen. I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself until the situation took over and I didn't have a choice.

I cancelled, she was almost there. She was pissed. Understandably, well understandably to a non mother.

I know that one day, she will look back on this day (if not by her own accord, I will remind her) and feel bad for being mad at me. She will understand and it will probably be after a similar situation happens to her. These situations are inevitable as a mother. We are frantic a lot of the time and still try to push through to keep a normal life. But most of the time our choices are stay home or stay home. Because being a mom means that you make choices based on what is best for your baby 100% of the time and you don't make any excuses for those choices.

So to all my friends who read this and think I am talking about you specifically, I'm not, all of my childless friends either give me shit directly or I can sense it. There are only a few enlightened friends who don't have kids that I feel understand my situation ahead of their time, and they are usually the ones that want to have kids soon. I can see them soaking up my life in bright eyed curiousity and I love them for that.

While I understand that they don't understand and while I don't hold it against them, there are some friendships that I know are going to end. These are the ones that expect the same from me and get upset without any appreciation for the things I have done. There aren't many of these friends in my life (thank god) for the most part there is at least a level of understanding from most of them. This tells me I've done a pretty good job at picking my friends and I know soon enough we will all be back on the same playing field so I can overlook the small misunderstandings. But there are a few that have shown me their true light and true place in my life. One day they will turn to me for advice or for a face that understands and most likely for them I won't be there. I give lots of chances to friends, but at the same time I have decided to be the friend to people they are to me. I have enough good friends in my life that I really don't need to spend time appeasing the bad ones... I'm a little too busy for that these days.

All of us that are going to have children some day are on the same journey. Same path and are spiritually connected. If you watch Real Housewives there is this new housewife, Kelsey Grammers wife, who has 4 nannies for 2 children and used a surrogate for both of them. This woman is not a mother. If you don't understand why, its likely that you haven't gone through the process of being pregnant and spent months awake with a baby. But probably one day you will, and that day you will understand why I couldn't meet you for drinks or it was so difficult for me to spend the weekend away from my baby (and what it actually meant that I did) and why Kelsey Grammers wife is not a mother.