I remember when and why I bought this magnet. I was in the Fresh Market (because I could afford to shop there at the time) after a long day at work and it just resignated with me so deeply. You see, I was in a job at the time that I was really successful at and had great potential to continue to see success - but I didn't feel peace in my heart. And when you are in a situation like that, where all signs point to stupidity if you give it up - but in your heart you are troubled at the thought - its difficult to feel at peace. This is life's journey afterall, finding peace, finding happiness - chasing dreams. But I didn't want to constantly be in a race for those things, I wanted to actually make the decisions and do the things that helped me actually reach them.
When you aren't happy because of some thing - whatever it is, you hate your boyfriend, your job, you are lonely - usually the cure is clear cut - its just never simple. Its the fear of taking that step, the "road less followed", that keeps us constantly dreaming of something better - instead of being there. Which always seemed so crazy to me, but still I got up every day and played a part of a worker bee going through the motions towards a successful career.
This isnt' to say I didn't find happiness at times, or feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of hard day - even if it was a bad day. My philosphy on everything is that if you are going to be there anyway - you might as well give it your all. So I'd say 94% of the time, I did exactly that. I looked at any given moment throughout the day as an opportunity to succeed, to take on whatever it was with passion, pride & drive. I think anyone who commits themselves to what they are doing in that way a destined to do well. This also means putting on blinders to the crap though and I think for me, it got to a point where it felt like the crap was splashing in my face and I just didn't want to stink all the time.
Really, truth be told, I am not meant to be a corporate office person. I am a creative person, I paint, I am a photographer, I write, I want to change the world with one really insightful sentence or beautiful picture. I feel like my purpose is to make a difference in some positive way, I still don't exactly know what that will be - but I do know becoming a mother is my first step in that direction.
Thats what did it for me, thats when all the pieces fell in front of me and it was like fate was saying "here's your chance". I think we all have that moment, a fork in the road where we have a chance to make a choice that will change to course of our lives for... well a while. Maybe not forever because I don't think anything is that permanent. But you have a single moment when it becomes clear that you can either choose what your heart is telling you to do or you can go with the responsible thing your head is telling you to do. Most of the time its either or too, because heart and mind rarely are in sync I've found. Luckily, in my life at this particular moment I could choose to go with my heart - for me if I chose the responsible thing, it would almost be selfish in a materialistic way. Because I chose to be a working mother I would resent my days because I wouldn't be true to myself and I'd only be doing that so I could buy great shoes or shop at pottery barn - things that I like - but not things that I need.
Gosh and that decision really threw me. For months I struggled with identify. I had no idea who I was anymore. For the last six years I worked. First I was this Marketing Manager for a really cool promotion job and after that I was a corportate career woman. Now here I am barely leaving my house or taking a shower watching TLC all day. Is this the life I chose? Really? If this is that greener side of life, then I guess life just is kinda dull.
I think I thought life was out to get me in a sense. There were so many joyful things in my life and its like I could see what those things were, but they were in black and white. A dull noise in the background of my thoughts. I was focusing on the sad things and having to remind myself to look at the good things. It wasn't great timing to be post pardum and loose one of your best friends either. I think that I will probably write a blog soon totally about PPD but for the purpose of this one - I could not stop thinking about my friend. I was sad, I was really sad and I had to glaze over that saddness because I was also a new mom and supposed to be glowlingly happy. And I was... most of the time... but when you can't be sad and you are sad, its diffifult to be truly happy. That's when the nightmares started. And even though I was sleeping little, I didn't want to sleep at all. Until one night I finally slept, and I had a dream. Not a nightmare, but a dream. Long dream short, it was of a happy Amanda, who didn't have cancer and wasn't in physical or emotional pain. She was smiling and I can remember her opening a door, she was dresses as a ladybug I want to say (one of those cute little ladybug halloween outfits) and there was a party wherever she was. She gave me a hug and I started to walk in the door and she shook her head, winked and closed the door. From behind the glass she pointed for me to turn around and smiled. To me it was her way of saying, I'm happy, your are invited to this party but not for a while and in the meantime go live your freakin life. If you are reading this and you ever even met Amanda, this makes total sense... even the ladybug costume. And if you know me at all you know that I am a strong believer that we leave our bodies behind, but our souls live on... and that I think we can connect with them through dreams & electricity (also probably another blog;)...
Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I was a whiney little brat. "The world owes me, happiness will never find me, I have people I love in my life - but not a life I love." Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!
We get to decide our lives - its true. That means we get to decide what makes us happy and then we have the choice to actually do those things or just be sad we don't do them. I knew during those working years and first few months that painting makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Photography makes me happy. Spending time with my family makes me happy. Spending time with good friends, makes me happy. Working out sucks, but it makes me happy. Cleaning sucks, but a clean house makes me happy....
Ok so how stupid are you when you spell it out in front of you, all the things that make you happy, and you just sit back and whine because you aren't happy. Pretty freakin stupid. Get up! Go to the gym! Pick up your camera! Paint some freakin mountains! Seriously...
The other day, I was sitting on a blanket in the front yard with the baby. It was a beautiful day and we just sat there watching cars drive by. For maybe an hour. There was a time where instead of doing that, I would be in a cubicle getting screamed at by some jerk who was mad because I spelled his name wrong. And there was a time not long ago where I'd be sitting inside with the shades closed not even realizing the beautiful day I was missing. But not now, now I am totally at peace - no tv, no phone, no computer - sitting on a blanket watching cars drive by.
In the midst of my, what I now realize was post pardum depression, Jon and I got into a HUGE fight. HUGE. I was whining on about how unhappy I was, which to him was very hard to hear because of the fact... #1 I think he is the happiest he's ever been and #2 he felt like a failure as a husband if his wife is so unhappy... so we were fighting. He asked me..."What do you like then Betsy, what things do you enjoy to do" --- this set me off. I was so mad at him. I screamed yelled, it was a big fight. But really, looking back, I wasn't mad at him at all. I was mad at the mirror he held up to my face, because I had been asking myself that for so long. And I knew the answers, but somehow my heart could not connect to my head. It took me banishing my cell phone (many of you remember this month)... banishing my computer, sitting alone, sitting quiet and asking myself what I liked. Sometimes its thouse simple questions that really throw you.
As women, as mothers, as daughters, as friends, wives, girlfriends, whatever--- we tend to loose ourselves in the mix. Its our blessing and our curse. But ever now and then you have to stop and remember who you are. Even if it means including it on your to do list. But you have to do it. Because I've learned in life that happiness comes and goes with lifes changes.
Once you think you are good, happy and you are there - some curve ball comes around and throws you back onto your unhappy ass and you become a whiney baby again. Which is ok and I think needs to happen so you can refresh your happy to do list. Remind yourself what it is that makes you happy and remind yourself to DO THEM. Oh, you like to read... maybe you should by a book dummy! You are depressed because your house is never clean, lets go grab the broom. Because happiness doesnt just fall in your lap... it takes identifying the things that make you happy and then CHOOSING the corresponding action. Afterall, that to me is the secret to happiness, to life.... making the actual choice to be happy and to live.
I think once you make that choice, you find peace with the world and with yourself. Just like Carrie Bradshaw (yep quoting S & the C) says - the most important relastionship in this world is the one you have with yourself. You have to make that relationship work first and I think once you do all the others in your life will be the best they are meant to be. And living can be sitting at home on a Saturday night, reading a book and enjoying yourself 100x more than being at some party or drunk as a skunk. It all starts with being true to you.
Wow... feeling philosophical today I guess:) ok back to wiping a poopy butt:)
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