Going First

No one ever really wants to go first. In my case and my circle, I have been close to the front for all of lifes big changes. Mainly, getting married and having a baby.

I think it takes a great maturity to be the first of your friends to make these big leaps. Not the actual act of getting married, or having a baby, anyone can do those things mature or not (whether or not you can do them well is another blog) but it takes maturity to be first because the culture of your life changes so dramatically. When your life changes in significant ways, in ways that your friends around you can't possibly understand, you begin to see your friends drift away. They don't know they are doing it, but they drift away because they don't understand.

Let me paint a picture for you... lets say you are sitting around your house and you decide that you need to run to the store:

When you don't have a child: put on shoes, grab keys & purse... walk out the door that instant.

With a child: Wait for baby to wake up from nap, change baby diaper, feed baby, make sure baby has clean warm clothes, pack diaper bag, double check diaper bag, grab shoes, keys wallet, take purse and bag out to car, come back and load baby into car seat, go back to car and load baby into car... and after at least 2 hrs you are on your way! And I must mention here that us mothers have mastered the art of speed shopping. Gone are the days of leisurely shopping in any sense of the word, under any cirucumstance. So friends without children, please enjoy your next shopping trip and think of me and appreciate that moment of trying on the same two dresses 4 times before you make a decision.

So when I get a call from a friend asking if I want to go to dinner, or meet at the mall or meet for lunch.... and I say I can't go but have no real excuse, its because my excuse is that I'm a mom and you aren't and so you dont' understand why its impossible for me to meet you. Its different when I interact with my few other mom friends. We plan to meet weeks in advance so that we can start baby on nap schedule that will be condusive for this plan, and also have a mutal understand that these plans will change multiple times before they actually happen - if they actually happen.

You see there is no way to explain to my childless friends what it is like. Why my life is different, why they see less of me, why they hear less of me. Its impossible to assure them that I love them as much, still think of them as much and am still their friend from a distance. That if you need me for anything, I will be there - it just will surely take me longer to get there.

I think whats interesting is that I don't get bothered or upset when my friends get bothered or upset with me. I can think of a time that I had planned to meet a friend for lunch and literally 10 mins before we were supposed to be there I called frantic and said it wasn't going to happen. Dylan was fussing, I mean screaming his blue face not going to breath scream, and I was a wreck. I was dressed, dressed baby and hungry. I was looking forward to being in public, looking presentable & having a real conversation with a dear friend. But it wasn't going to happen. I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself until the situation took over and I didn't have a choice.

I cancelled, she was almost there. She was pissed. Understandably, well understandably to a non mother.

I know that one day, she will look back on this day (if not by her own accord, I will remind her) and feel bad for being mad at me. She will understand and it will probably be after a similar situation happens to her. These situations are inevitable as a mother. We are frantic a lot of the time and still try to push through to keep a normal life. But most of the time our choices are stay home or stay home. Because being a mom means that you make choices based on what is best for your baby 100% of the time and you don't make any excuses for those choices.

So to all my friends who read this and think I am talking about you specifically, I'm not, all of my childless friends either give me shit directly or I can sense it. There are only a few enlightened friends who don't have kids that I feel understand my situation ahead of their time, and they are usually the ones that want to have kids soon. I can see them soaking up my life in bright eyed curiousity and I love them for that.

While I understand that they don't understand and while I don't hold it against them, there are some friendships that I know are going to end. These are the ones that expect the same from me and get upset without any appreciation for the things I have done. There aren't many of these friends in my life (thank god) for the most part there is at least a level of understanding from most of them. This tells me I've done a pretty good job at picking my friends and I know soon enough we will all be back on the same playing field so I can overlook the small misunderstandings. But there are a few that have shown me their true light and true place in my life. One day they will turn to me for advice or for a face that understands and most likely for them I won't be there. I give lots of chances to friends, but at the same time I have decided to be the friend to people they are to me. I have enough good friends in my life that I really don't need to spend time appeasing the bad ones... I'm a little too busy for that these days.

All of us that are going to have children some day are on the same journey. Same path and are spiritually connected. If you watch Real Housewives there is this new housewife, Kelsey Grammers wife, who has 4 nannies for 2 children and used a surrogate for both of them. This woman is not a mother. If you don't understand why, its likely that you haven't gone through the process of being pregnant and spent months awake with a baby. But probably one day you will, and that day you will understand why I couldn't meet you for drinks or it was so difficult for me to spend the weekend away from my baby (and what it actually meant that I did) and why Kelsey Grammers wife is not a mother.