Baby Food Recipes

So I have been meaning to post something about making your own baby food. I couldn't breastfeed so I wanted to at least try this out. I searched high and low for baby food recipes and couldn't find any, for some reason I thought they were going to end up extremely complicated. Its really super easy, bought a cook book and then wondered why after I started to make the recipes.




When to start solid foods: between 4-6 mths, gradually. Introduce new foods 2-3 days apart so you can easily discover if baby is allergic to any foods, or if certain kinds give them stomach problems. My doctor told me that by the time baby is 9mths, they should eat primarily solid foods. We started Dylan at 4 mths, and he really only had a small jar a day just to get the idea of eating solid foods. It took a good 3mths to really integrate him into eating it every other meal. Now he only had about 2 bottles of milk a day, the rest is solid food and eats from 2-4 helpings. We started him on pears (keeps him regular), prunes, apples, sweet potatoes & peas. Stay away from the meals "turkey & rice" or meats like that until baby is well accustomed to solid foods. When you are reading labels at store, pay attention to ingredients. I only buy the foods that have the actual food & water as the ingredients. Once foods start getting complicated or odd sounding "mac and cheese"
"spaghetti & meatballs" or mixed with several different types of food, the ingredients start to have things I never heard of in them. If the food is not going to be found in my pantry, or if the ingredient is something I can't pronounce, I am not feeding it to my baby.

One great thing to start them out on is rice cereal or oatmeal, mixed with formula or breast milk. We discovered that the rice cereal was causing Dylan stomach problems, but the oatmeal was great for him. Remember, every baby is different so its kind of a trial and error process.


Some info you need though about avoiding bacteria:

1) Food can be frozen for up to 4mths, and then should be thrown away
2) To defrost frozen foods, do not warm up in microwave. Let defrost in fridge... usually takes about 2 days.
3) When it is time to eat, spoon food from container into seperate bowl, put in microwave about 10 secs, throw away what baby doesn't eat. If you spoon straight from container and put back in fridge, it can cause bacteria. (side note: this is from the book, I did try this for a few weeks, and then realized I was just creating more work for myself... i just bought smaller containers;))
4) Do not put lids on jars of food that are steaming hot, let cool first and then add lid.
5) Food stays good in fridge for 3-4 days without being frozen.

What you need:

Peeler
Steamer
Blender or food processor
Knife
Jars for storage... I save baby food jars I buy and also bought some jam jars from the grocery store

Pears:
Wash & Peel 2-4 pears
Chop into about inch pieces
Place in steamer for about 5 mins, or until soft
Place steamed pears into blender and one laddle full of water you used to steam them per 2 pears
Blend until smooth
Let food cool off before placing in jars
After about 20 mins, place in jars and place in fridge

(This recipe is the same for apples as well, you can also make them together and make Apple / Pear mix)

Squash & Sweet Potatoes:
All you need is one butternut squash & it will make TONS of food
Place in oven on 375 for about on hour or until tender
Take out of oven and let cool
Cut squash in half, scoop out the middle and discard
Spoon the meat part into a blender
Add about a 1/2 cup of water (depending on size)
Blend until smooth, may need to add more water if you aren't getting a really smooth consistency...
(same method for sweet potatoes and again, you can combine)

Carrots:
Use baby carrots, already peeled & washed
Place in steamer for about 10 mins
Place carrots in blender, ladle in some water that you used to steam
Blend

Bananas:
Cut up 2-4 bananas
Place in blender
Add milk or formula
Blend

As you can see, the recipes are easy, but do involve a lot of work. I went on a kick for about 3 weeks where I only wanted to feed Dylan food I made at home. You can spend a few hours one day wrecking your kitchen and have food made for the week. The problem I ran into was freezing and then thawing. I had to live 2 days in the future and once Dylan started really gulping down the food, it was very hard to keep up with. Now I just may buy an apple, or a pear at the store and make enough for a day or so, so that I do not have to freeze. I think if the homemade food now more of special, if I have time to make it, treat. Another trick, you can use ice trays, freeze and put into baggies. Then you can take out one or two blocks of what you want and let defrost that way... it defrosts a little quicker and you don't have to worry about jars. Just be sure to label what is in each bag and date it!

Getting Real about PPD

So its taken me a while to bring myself to write about this topic. I decided that the best way to begin the new year is to dust out my emotional closet and just put it out there.

PPD... post pardum depression... is a very hush hush topic in the motherhood community. You see signs on the Dr's doors, there are pamphlets every time you turn around and I think I filled out a survey at the pediatrician when Dylan was 3 weeks old. Right, like any of us are going to confess our deepest emotions to a 10 item survey on a clip board in a pediatrician office. Its an understatement to say that Dr's could be doing a little more to not only prepare new mothers for this possible aftermath of having a baby. I honestly feel like at least one check up with a counselor or therapist should be part of the treatment plan post pardum. Really because if we don't want to admit it to ourselves, then at least a professional trained in the symptoms can have the chance to diagnose it early one. But I am getting ahead of myself here...

Lets start with this shining bright fact...the CDC has reported that 15% of women suffer from post pardum. What a gem. Lets compute this into brain of every soon to be pregnant, pregnant or brand new mom "only 15% of women get it, which means if I do get it then I won't be in the majority of mothers who don't, which means I am not normal and if I am not normal I am not a good mom" -- so what do you think most women then do if they get it or think they are getting it? Ignore it, say nothing and try to make it go away? So what does that mean? That 15% only reflects the number of women who ADMIT they have it. This is only the number of women who have come forth, said they need help and were formally diagnosed. I don't think its a stretch to say that most women are not that willing to admit they are not the perfect mother. So what do we do instead... we keep it to ourselves.

At least that is what I did. My main point in this blog is to make other mothers out there feel less alone, less like they are terrible for thinking thoughts no one admits to & that they are going to be ok. Which is why I have to share my store of PPD in order to be fully truthful. Its not easy to do, because it means going back and revisiting a time where I was sad, even though I should have been happy. Actually, if I go back through my blog - I can pick up on the sadness I was going through in the early entries.

So I remember first holding my baby. I remember being overcome with love, a new love, and just tears falling out of my face of sheer happiness. I remember being in the hospital it being this time trapped in a little bubble of newness and joy. It was, if I look back on it, like a little mini vacation. I had nurses bringing me pain medicine every few hours, I had people I love coming to visit and being totally attentive to me, I had breakfast, lunch & dinner in bed... it was great. But I was ready to get home. I wanted my new life to go ahead and get started - I was ready.

I can't pinpoint when or what suddenly changed. I never stopped loving my baby - so I think that single fact kept me in denial about what was happening to me emotionally. As vain as it may sound, I think for me the hardest part to accept was my new body. My horrible, flabby, fat - new body. I could not look in the mirror - literally. I had to keep myself and my eyes away from it. If I happened to have to look nice for something, it was an emotional roller coaster. Its these times, that I had to break out of Jons (yes Jons) pajamas that I think set me into a tail spin. I would deflect of course. We'd get in the car, I'd be feeling horrible about myself, and find something to be upset with Jon about. I think we spent an entire drive to the beach with me going over my checklist of complaints about him. Which ended up with me breaking down and admitting that I just felt horrible about myself... thankfully I at least admitted I really didn't truly think he was the worst husband that ever walked the earth.

Mostly, instead of direct emotions or specific times, I feel like what I went through was a combination of timelessness. A day gone by without me having done anything I viewed at the time as productive. I felt in a way worthless. I couldn't keep the house clean, I couldn't keep my hair brushed, I didn't have a single profound thought in a day. It just totally revolved around the baby. What I know now, that I didnt' know then, is that being a new mom, in its early stages, is the hardest job in the world. No you aren't lifting heavy equipment, you aren't standing on your feet all day, you aren't spending hours on projects or paperwork. Something about going from career women, to spending all the days in the home - is such a dramatic change - that you feel like you are worthless. What you don't allow yourself to realize is that being sleep deprived, learning how to be a mom, spending every second of every day completely devoted to another human - is emotionally exhausting. Being emotionally exhausted, physically drained & still managing to spend the day smiling, playing, feeding, cleaning and loving someone so selflessly - is the most challenging thing a person can do. It takes a person with nerves of steel & lots and lots of support. But at the end of the day, you don't allow yourself to see that. Because while your focus is 100% on the baby, your natural reaction of self reflection kicks in and you realize you have done nothing for yourself. When you spend a day doing nothing for yourself, you end the day feeling worthless.

So I would sit in my chair, holding the baby while he napped, looking straight into thin air for hours. Like a total zombie. When I say this, I will tell you with 100% confidence that this will not be the case with my next baby. I know better now, but at the time you just don't know better. You are figuring it all out one minute at a time. So I would just sit there, mostly because I was afraid to fall asleep but at the same time had only slept maybe... possibly... stretching it... 2 hours that night. Even when I did sleep, I slept with one eye open. I bet to those of you who have never been there, this sounds like chinese torture. But here is the tricky thing, the odd part about it, I did it all because I was overflowing with love. I felt so horrible because I had this new love that had totally overtaken me and I was the happiest I had ever been.

That last part is the part that I think kept me and keeps most women in denial. I was the happiest I had ever been. Jon and I were the best we had ever been. We had this new little light in our lives that made us smile all the time, that was our total focus and just filled us with a joy we never have ever known. So if I was that happy - then it was impossible for me to be that sad too right?

Its the part about PPD that for me just made me think I didn't have it. I guess part of me ignored the way I was feeling about myself. Becoming a mom one of the first things that happens is that you become selfless immediately. Anything that has to do with yourself, you ignore, its not important. The only thing that is important is the baby - not you. So if you think you feel sad, you ignore it. You focus on the baby and that makes you happy. I remember thinking "I love my baby, people with PPD don't love their babies...since I love my baby then I don't have it"

I think thats a HUGE misconception. Even as I write this and am researching symptoms I find... well here...


Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.

Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.

Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in appetite and weight, but sometimes the opposite.

Sleep problems-usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.

Noticeable change in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.

Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.

Difficulty concentrating and making decisions.

Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting, frightening thoughts of harming their babies: these thoughts tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.

Feeling removed from your baby, other people, and your surroundings (depersonalization).

Disturbed sleep, even when your baby is sleeping.

Extremely confused and disorganized thinking, increasing your risk of harming yourself, your baby, or another person.2

Drastically changing moods and bizarre behavior.

Extreme agitation or restlessness.

Unusual hallucinations, often involving sight, smell, hearing, or touch.

Delusional thinking that isn't based in reality.

Disturbed sleep? Extremely confused? Fatigue???? Hilarious... clearly a mother did not come up with these symptoms... my personal favorite "appetite & weight change" hahahahahilarious...

This list just had described (well lets say 80% of it) every single new mom that has ever lived. Which is why I say, we should ALL seek help after having a baby. We ALL suffer from these symptoms. Not sure about hallucinations - but I can say I had some wacked out dreams that felt really really really real. Feeling removed from the baby.... sure sometimes... other people - most definitely. I did not want to see people. At all... primarily, because I felt so fat and ugly. And I felt like my brain was mush. All these people were dropping by to see the baby, all of them just as skinny as they have been in years, brains filled with interesting things that happened to them in the day... looking at me and I am total mush. "yeah, I changed 3 poopy diapers today"--- who cares right? I did not want to be around people at all.

Loss of pleasure in daily activities? I mean who could not find pleasure in filling up bottles, changing diaper, burping, cleaning up puke, repeat. Seriously? I love change in how you walk or talk, how would you walk or talk after 6 weeks of no sleep??? Sluggish maybe? Come on...

I can tell you that I never contemplated suicide or harming my baby... BUT I remember a time when I thought about those stories on Oprah, of women going to such extremes when they did have PPD... and I remember thinking "I would never come close to that action, but I get it"

My point is, ladies, your body has just been through the ringer and back. Stretched physically to its ultimate limit, then the labor-- its like running a 10k 15 times in a straight... it will take WEEKS just to recover from that... and lets not forget the hormones. Your body went from normal, to double the amount of hormones to total and complete shock when the hormones decrease again. How in the world could you not feel some kind of aftermath from this?

For me, it was the physical change and then, I also made the choice to leave a successful career to stay at home. Which was a wonderful choice and yet, drastic change. I identified myself as an independent woman, with taste & ability to buy as many shoes as I damn well pleased... husband or no husband and he was not going to say a word because it was my hard earned money. To... nothing. No paychecks with my name on them. No reason to dress nice. No feeling of independence. It was a total shock I was not prepared for. And it weighed on me heavily. It was... and still is at times... I major adjustment. But it was the direct result of a choice I made... and honestly, I wouldn't go back and change a thing about it. I love my life... but for many months... I felt like I was floating in lost time and space. Just not sure of my place anymore.

So here I was, fat, exhausted, completely dependent on my husband, anti-social... and guess what... I was freakin depressed! Sounds depressing doesnt it? Did I seek help? Nope. Well not a first. I didnt' admit a thing, even though I saw it in the faces of my husband and family. I saw what they were thinking but didn't want to say, afraid of my reaction. I knew they thought I was suffering from PPD, which only made me more determined to prove them wrong. Why that became important, I am not really sure. I think it all revolved around the "If you have PPD that means you don't love your baby" --- thats all I could think it meant. And I was damn sure not falling into that category.

Then.... then the dreams started. I guess I was in such denial during the day, my dreams started to be the release of my inner emotions. I actually sit here and can't really remember them anymore. Which is great, because I remember I would fall asleep for maybe an hour and wake up suddenly in tears. Or really really afraid. Or angry. They were vivid and a lot of times involved death of some sort. Then I found myself during the day scared to leave the house, afraid that if I did something bad would happen. I would call jon at 5:31 if he wasn't home yet, afraid he had gotten into an accident. That when I decided to do something.

I went to the nurse practioner that my sister suggested. She wasn't a therapist, I discovered after spilling my heart out to her for an hour, but she did presribe me an anti depressant. I have never been the kind of person who wanted to rely on pills, so I took one... and then never took another one. A bit of a set back.

I decided I needed an outlet... and so this blog was born. It was my diary and sometimes it was the only thing that gave me a sense of self worth. From there, I started working out with a trainer... which ended up being my saving grace. I dived into my dream of Photography & new passion for cooking. Before I knew it was looking around at a whole new world, one with my baby THAT I ALWAYS LOVED and with a new me.

See that is the thing that happens, we go through pregnancy thinking that after the baby is born life will change, but also go back to normal. And even after the baby is born, you keep wondering when life will get back to normal. After all the visitors stop coming by, after baby sleeps through the night, after you get back to work, after you loose a few pounds, after you get the house set up exactly right, after you have a few girls nights.... so this search keeps going and you end up short handed. Which I guess makes you feel like you aren't be successful at something & then you just wake up and realize - life has changed, normal has changed. Before you say to yourself that this may make you think twice about having a baby because you like your normal... let me tell you... you have no idea how amazing this new wonderful can be until you embrace it.

I've made many posts about my new life, the new me, finding peace... once all the chips fell into place and I opened my eyes I embraced it, and it has been like floating on a cloud. It reminds me of the first 3 weeks... my good friend Megan had her baby a few weeks before I had mine. I remember talking to her a week or so before I went into labor and she told me she was on cloud 99... I loved that. And that is so true, the first three weeks you have this natural high and its just like a new beautiful planet... a little slice of heaven. And then three weeks pass and reality hits... you are tired, you need to get your hair done, you have no breaks and thats when for me the depression kicked in.

Its been a gradual process of self reflection, acceptance & letting go. I am so eternally grateful to my true friends & family that walked me through this last year and a half. Mostly, I am so thankful to the universe for giving me the opportunity to have what I have now. Love, happiness, peace... a family. It truly is a blessing and I am so thankful for my life, for the place I am in today. To me when you go through pregnancy - there are two parts to it. There is the obvious, having a baby part... but then the mother goes through a second part that is her own little secret (except all other mothers know) where you transform into a new person. Becoming a MOM is becoming a new person, almost a person of a higher existence and it isn't easy... which is why I think so many mothers fail... or bail... but really... nothing worth having is ever easy. Thats why only the people who have faith and strength achieve great things, motherhood is a mighty great thing to achieve. It just doesn't happen overnight. I mean you become a mother literally overnight, but being a mother takes a while... if that makes sense?

My main point in writing this is to basically say... PPD is as natural as childbirth if you ask me, in my experience. Way too many of us feel like we are expected to put forth this "glowing new mother" image from pregnancy and then especially after having the baby. So we live up to that expectation come hell or high water, because we don't want to ever be perceived as a bad mother, or that we don't love our baby. Girls, having a baby is an emotional roller coaster... our hormone levels jump from highest high to lowest low... it is chemically impossible to ignore what is going on internally. And it makes us worse. And guess what, you don't have to admit it to anyone else - but yourself.

I am not suggesting that if you experience this yourself, you go and write a blog about it and share it with everyone you know. I am suggesting, that you admit it to yourself. Unless you yourself admits you are feeling signs of PPD (which if you refer to the symptoms - all new mothers are going to experience this on some level) - allow yourself to get help. I strongly believe that everyone should factor in a post pardum visit to a counselor or therapist. If its something you have planned on from beginning, your mom or husband won't ask any questions as to why you are going. And trust me, answering those questions is the very thing that keeps you from going. Lets just say that its better to be prepared since you really don't know what will happen after you have the baby - what could it really hurt to allow yourself the peace of mind well in advance that IF you should find yourself in similar shoes as me, you have a plan of action from the get go.

Here is a great website that has helpful information and offers support :

http://ivppdboard.tripod.com/

A good year....

Since I think this is going to be my last blog of 2011, I think I will end it with one of my favorite quotes...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right, you believe less so you eventually learn to trust yourself above all others, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" --- Marilyn Monroe.

and then just a few of my favorite pictures of 2010...

Yep... ok that pretty much sums it up. babies, weddings, funerals, long awaited engagements, holidays, beach, snow... dreams come true... don't think i could have said it any better.

thank you 2010... you brought me tears, smiles, laughs and surprises. 2011... you have a lot to live up to.

Dare to be happy

I've been practicing a little experiment lately and since it has seemed to have made an enormous positive impact on my life, I thought I'd share. Maybe it will serve as inspiration to some of the people who read this, if nothing else it can be my own personal reminder in case I forget.

I do a lot of thinking in a day, mostly to myself since I am no longer surrounded by co-workers and Dylans only really mastered the word "dada". Which at first may sound maddening to some of you, but coming from a work enviorment of mostly women - I welcomed the opportunity to hear my own thoughts again. To form my own opinions about random things that are no influenced by other thoughts or opinions, I think it has helped me become a stronger individual. One of my own little personal theories I have been pondering over is the theory that some people, just love to be miserable. That some people, many people if you ask me, choose to be negative instead of positive. That most people don't realize if they find themselves miserable or negative all the time - its a product of their own doing. That they have the choice. I think as a culture, we all crave happiness - but are deep down afraid of it.

Before you jump to your own defense in your mind, why don't you ask yourself a few questions. When you get home, how do you describe your day to your significant other? Long? Busy? Stressful? Boring?.....

What about when someone asks you how've been? Is your response...busy? tired? fine?

How about someone asking you your plans for the holidays? hectic? crazy as ever? bracing yourself for "all that family"?

My point here is, when you are asked anything about anything about you... do your responses lean toward the negative? Maybe don't answer this question yet. Maybe do what I did and just start to keep tabs on yourself. I noticed that my typical responses to almost any question asked about me leaned towards...tired, busy or stressed. 9 times out of 10... probably unless you asked my how my spa day went, you would get one of those responses. So if you find yourself in a poopy slump right now, start with this step... step 1... notice yourself.

I'd say I experimented with this for a few weeks. When I noticed that my own responses were on the debbie downer side of the spectrum, I decided to challenge myself. When someone asked me about my day, my response was going to be positive. I'd search my backlog of the day and find the best part about it, and respond with that in mind. So when Jon got home from work and asked how the day went, instead of saying "long, fussy and i didn't get half the stuff done i wanted to" I went for "we went for a nice walk and a leave fell in dylans stroller and he was mesmorized by it the entire time - it was so cute" ....

I started doing this for a few days and then I noticed myself planning my day around what my positive "thing" was going to be that day. Whether it was a walk, time on a blanket outside, good work out at the gym, teaching dylan xmas songs... I really started to focus on those things. What happened magically was my primary focus in the present moment shifted from tired, stressed or busy... to content, in tune... happy. Of course I had to catch myself when asked general questions, and still I do, but I force myself to swallow all the business of my perseptions and respond with anything but those descriptions I used to use. Once I started projecting a slower, happier, more restful image of myself... I actually started to feel that way too. Whats great, is that I didn't feel guilty for it either. Afterall, I was working for this, I was choosing happiness...

I think we all get stressed by the predictable, when why should we let that stress us out? Its predictable the mall will be packed this time of year... plan to be there a while, bring your ipad and don't let it bother you. Don't beat yourself up that you didn't get everything done sooner, or fight the urge to push people out of your way... just plan to be there a while and go with the flow. Isn't life fast enough already without us placing this burden on ourselves to be in a hurry all the time?

Whether you are a working woman, working mom or stay at home mom - we all have things that are completely predictable that we allow to add to our stress level. This is my 3rd step in the process... don't let the predictable have so much power. We all know that us women set the tone in our families, if we are stressed or in a bad mood, we will surely be more stressed soon because our husbands will pout because we don't flitter up to him after a long day and hand him his slippers and cocktail. Not that any of us actually do that, but really to the guys a pleasant happy wife is just as good. If we are negative, our families are going to feed off that and then guess what girls... you will find yourself in an even worse mood. So if the baby poops his diaper just as you get him strapped in the carseat, remember... you are the one that just fed him prunes an hour ago. Prunes mean poop... this is a completely predictable situation. Don't let it throw you in a tizzy.

Do you travel a lot for work and get so worked up when your flights are delayed? Are you in customer service and cry every time you get an upset customer?
Is your day filled with appointments & you have to deal with people canceling on you last minute?

These are just some examples, but if you know its going to happen... don't let it ruin your entire day. This is something that takes work, practice and effort - but its not easier said that done. You just have to make ourselve aware of your own predictable avalanches & then challenge yourself to approach them differently. Be aware of the snowball effect your mind has on your day, if you let one thing get under your skin to the point of anger or stress... the rest of your day is shot to hell.


Life is one day at a time... we are only sure of this moment, why should we allow it to be a negative one. As humans we do have the ability to choose our state of mind most of the time. Sure, there are going to be wreches thrown in our day that we didn't see coming. You get a flat tire on the way to work, you get to the end of a log line only to realize you forgot your wallet, your dog peed all over your new rug... we have our own natural reactions to these things... but try if you can to allow your emotions to come through and then move on. Surpressing the urge to scream to the fucking dog that he is going back to the boxer farm from which he came... is only asking for a heart attack. of course I am not advocating animal abuse, sure there is a point of restraint here, don't go grabing the frying pan to teach him a lesson... but if you need to throw out a f*** you to the world... do it. But don't let that go to waste, let it be your release. Again... please don't go cursing the cop who pulled you over for speeding and direct him my way as to why you did it... but i think once you are driving away in the safety of your car (windows rolled up) yelling a little something to your rear view mirror might make you feel better. But let it roll off your back, remember... all you have is this moment. If it was your last, would you want it to be reeling in the tragedy of a speeding ticket?


So my 4 step challege to you is:

1. Acknowledge your true state of conciousness by becoming aware of your responses...
2. Challenge yourself to project positivity to others & focus on the good parts of your day
3. Don't let the predictable ruin your day
4. When the unpredicable happens, allow your natural reactions to come out... and then remember to find your balance again.

I've been trying this stuff out and I feel like I am happier in all aspects of my life. And I feel like people around me are happier to be around me, because afterall happy people attract other people. Positivity is infectious... people crave it.

Remember the theory of attraction, that positive energy attracts positive energy & negative energy attracts negative energy. If you want to feel happier, be happier. Maybe this will work for you, it works for me. I feel like I have a happy baby, happy husband, happy family, happy friends.... they at least seem happier to me anyway. I think that its because I am happier around them... and I think its because of these 4 little steps I created.

So... maybe I should write a book... I think I'll call it "Betsy's Secret" ;) Original right? :)

Blessings....

I can't think of another word to title this entry other than blessings. I am sure I could get creative, but once everything is said that I need to say, I think you will agree this is the best word to describe it all.

Every year Jon and I host a donation drive around Thanksgiving, this year we decided to switch it up a bit and instead of donating to the Rescue Mission we chose Interact - an organization that assists women & children subject to abuse. So it was all one twist of fate and google session that led me to volunteering for their Holiday Bazaar this past Saturday. I offered my photography services to take portraits of the mothers & children as they came in to collect Christmas presents for each other.

Its a really great set up. About 100 families are nominated by their case workers to come in and join this bazaar. Good hearted fortunate people all over the area donate unwrapped toys for children of all ages and this year they even added a bonus for the mamas. They asked for gift baskets of lotions & make up, etc, for the kids to pick out a present for their moms. Before everyone left they got to gift wrap their gifts and take a picture together.

When I first arrived my mind was in total photographer mode. I was horrified that the backdrop was not going to be the right size, the lighting was atrocious (sp?!) & I really should have brought props. I had envisioned this entire event outdoors (not sure why since its winter) and so I felt under prepared. Then the printer that they had set up there was a kodak quick printer, which is not known for quality and on top of that the ink was leaning towards yellow so my pictures were printing off tone. This was my total focus the first hour, I couldn't escape my nature, I was there as a professional photographer and I felt like I was holding up my end of the bargain.

As I am reeling through my brain how to fix these minor set backs, one of the volunteers comes up to me and pulls me aside. I found myself hoping that maybe she wanted to hire me for some time in the future, but instead she snaps me back into reality. She says "I just have to tell you, I was walking around with one of the women you just photographed and she told me that before she got here she was really down, not in the holiday spirit. But she told me that you really brightened her day and brought her back into the Christmas spirit, she is all smiles right now and she said it was because of your cheerfulness."

Oh... right.. this is why I am here. Not getting paid, not to advance my career, not to give myself any pats on the back. I am here for these women. Which walking into the place, I was well aware of, however I supposed due to a series of unfortunate photographer nightmares - I had gotten sidetracked. Well I wanted to cry at that point, but held it together and decided that I was going to stop being focused on the artisitc nature of my pictures and instead - my cheerful spirit.

"Next!!" I yelled in my best jolly happy Betsy tone. There was afterall a waiting room of about 40 people and at least 100 more to go after that.

I wouldnt' go so far to say that 100% of these women were desperate for help. But I would say 95%. I don't think you can escape the small number of people who take advantage of these systems, but at the same time, who's to judge.

Every time a new family appeared before me, I wondered about them. What brought them here, how far into their situation are they... are they safe now.. are they still in trouble... can I make them smile... and some I honestly could not. There were a few who stand out to me that no matter how many times I asked, in no matter how jolly of a tone... I couldn't not get a smile from.

There are two families that stand out to me most. Two women that I will never forget, as long as I live and I believe I was destined my whole life just to meet. They have made an enormous impact on me, funny... I thought I was supossed to be impacting them. They both may feel worthless & weak, but I wish there was a way for me to tell them how they changed me, how they have added to my life in just a brief encounter. Since I can't, I will tell you.

April & her three girls come and stand in front of the frosty the snow man backdrop. Immediately I feel connected to her since my bday is in April, I don't believe in coincedences. She is a bigger lady, but with a pretty face... her girls are supermodel material between the ages of 8-15. April is sad, sweet, but sad. And I can see in her daughters faces, she has a tendancy to lash out. I don't think she is abusive to her girls, but they were on their best behavior & I felt that the oldest girl was a mother to all of them, including April. April did not want her picture taken, but since she did not have a picture (not one, not one picture at all) of the 4 of them together, she agreed reluctently.

I tried a variety of poses, I was only allowed 3 snaps for each family & I broke this rule twice... this was the first time. My heart wanted them to have a picture they loved, a picture that April looked at and felt happy. So I took a few, printed them and handed them to her. She looked disappointed, aside from the printer issue, her angle wasn't the best. I had her body in it and it looked true to life... she was having a very difficult time mustering up a smile so the best one I could get was a forced half smile, that ended up being more of a double chin. And for some reason... her lips turned blue from the ink. Again, I don't believe in coincedences... so because of this ink failure I was allowed to reshoot them all together. While they changed the ink cartridge I had several extra minutes... and a new idea. I was going to have her sit down and have the girls all bring their faces in cheek to cheek with each other. I was going to tell them the entire time how beautiful they were and that I was sending these pictures to America's next top model... and there... I got it.

When I printed the picture off, I printed an extra one in black and white for her. She looked at it and looked back at me with soft eyes, filled with thank you from her heart & hugged me. This woman didn't really seem like a hugger... but I got one. She walked out of the room happy... her girls were instantly cheerful that mom was smiling. I had to hold it together... this was only 10am and I was here until 3pm... I thought that woman was going to be the stand out of my day... until about 12pm...

I was kneeling down on the floor, working on my lens, when I glanced up and saw an oversized plaid sweatshirt. It was so big it could have filled up the entire room, but it was drapping off this smaller white lady. I focused on her for a second and in her face I saw someone that if you brushed her hair and put a shiny silver necklace on her, you wouldn't be able to tell her apart from any other country club wife. Of course, you'd also have to change her out of this wretched outfit, but she just didn't seem to fit in by the looks of her with the rest of this large group.

Because she was standing behind a table I couldn't really see what she was leaning on, until she began to push Tyler's stroller around to me. My heart cracked, tears welted up and it was all I could do not to jerk this baby out of his stroller and run out the room. I would just take him to my house, raise him with Dylan, happy and clean.

Hope smiled at me and told me she didn't realize they were having their picture taken today, if she had known she would have dressed better. She turns to Tyler and he gives her an unsure glance, not unsure of her, in the way they looked at it each it seemed clear they were each others safety net. She lifted him out of his stroller and he looked around the room with eyes that just seemed to speak. As if he was this old soul checking out his scene, making sure it was ok to smile. Then mommy gives him a big kiss and he knew it was. I got smiles from him. Smiles from her... she asked me to excuse the dirty on his little pale yellow ducky sleeper. They had just been playing everywhere that day, that cold and rainy day.

Somewhere in my mind, I thought for a brief second that if I could just keep them there and continue to take their pictures, I could keep them safe. There was one picture that I got, that I have saved, that she looked straight through the camera, straight to me. We shared a connection as mothers in this instant. I knew in my heart how much she loved her baby, how lost she was in her situation & how deeply she wanted to give her baby what I can give mine. I didn't feel envy, just like her soul wanted to step inside mine and be that kind of mother, not for her, for Tyler.

I've said throughout this blog that we mothers are in a sisterhood. For some reason up until this day, I pictured this sisterhood women who have the good fortune of being able to be picky with their babies food. Who even have the option to make their babies food from stratch, should they so please. Who can discriminate against products that are not BPA free... that can buy the little comfort items for their $300 car seats and go to the pediatrician for every little new quirk they see in their baby. Women, mothers, like me...

Hope lives in a trailer, with her abusive husband, her baby rides around in a stroller that was clearly someone elses trash from the 80's and no more than $10 when it was bought new. I don't think they have access to a bath, or they don't have that access very often. They for sure don't have a washing machine and there are not bins and bins of baby clothes for little Tyler to grow into and out of. He didn't have the top of the line bottle, no paci, no toys - she didn't have a diaper bag. She didn't have her own warm clothes, he didn't have a blanket... they were both wet... no umbrella. She couldn't be further from my life, we couldn't be in more seperate places in our universes... I would have never looked twice at her walking down the street, I would never have ever been in the same place at the same time with her... if I wasn't here today. If I didn't have the opportunity to get to really truly see her, her heart, her soul, I saw all of this through my lens. And what I saw, went straight into my own heart, found itself a little place there and there it will remain until the say I die.

I will save this picture (that due to safety reasons I cannot share with you) and will look at it anytime that I feel I've got it bad. Anytime that Jon and I are in an argument, or that I am tired, or sad, or even when I am happy. I will recall Hope & April often throughout my life to remind me of inner strength, a mothers will and love... of my own blessings.

I've learned a lot about being a mom in these last 9 mths with Dylan. A lot from my own mother, my sister, other mothers I know, books, articles, tv... but Hope & April may have taught me the deepest lesson. That I am able to be the kind of mom who not only can buy the best brands & have the resources to give him the best diet & life plan possible... and that its never something I will take for granted.

For the past several nights I have rocked Dylan to sleep and I think that I found a whole new deeper level of love for him, just in knowing that Jon & I will give him the safest, healthiest & happiest life any child could ever dream of. That while I can't keep every poor & scared baby in this world warm & safe tonight, I can keep my baby warm and safe. Its a true blessing just to have that, to have a man who loves his child and his wife with kindness, and truth and purity. To be the kind of woman who would settle for no less and the kind of mother who kisses her baby good night, puts him in his fancy crib, on his pottery barn sheets & will now feel peace and gratitude in my heart for being this person, with this life.

Thank you April & Hope for reminding me of that. And thank you for your inspiration. And if somehow me writing this can go out into the universe and into your hearts... please remember that you too can be the kind of woman who settles for no less. That no one, no one, can take away your free will and you & your children deserve to be warm and safe at night too. Your impression on me was so strong, stronger than just about anyone I have ever met, you have a strength in you both that if you allowed yourself to see... there would be no stopping you. Universe, please show them if you can.

Readers... hopefully this story will remind you this Christmas that while you are running around spending fortunes for boxes under your tree... and stressed because of mall traffic, not sure what you are going to get people, stressed already that you will be pulled in a million different directions on Christmas Day... that somewhere there is a little one year old boy name Tyler, with a single toy that someone donated, in a trailor with his mom & Christmas day to him is just another day he survived. So kiss your family, slow down and appreciate the hectic lucky shoppers about you, and count your blessings.




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New Baby Gadgets

Just some things I have discovered lately... neat little odds and ends that aren't easy to find, but obviously some genious mom didThe car seat arm pad I just discovered yesterday at the pediatrician. All new moms know that until your baby gets to be about 20 or so pounds, you will tote them around in their car seat. Its the most convenient way to go anywhere, but your arm starts to really hurt. This provides padding and comfort... love it... found it at Silly Goose in Wake Forest NC.

Hands free bottle holder... genious!! One of those things you think "someone should invent that" and then there I was in the elevator at the mall and saw one mom with one. Had to ask her where she got it... she found hers on Amazon.com. Supposedly this was invented for someone with twins, but I can't tell you how many times I have wished for one.

Levanna LV-TW300 Two way Baby monitor... I think I am going to trade mine in this xmas. This thing rocks.... you can talk into the monitor while you are feeding or rocking to sleep and aska your hubby to bring up a blanket or paci, or whatever you forgot... without having to stand up wake the baby. It also is motion sensored so that the video kicks on when the baby makes a sound or moves. The models before this didn't have that option, it was either on or off. Which makes sleeping difficult because you just stare at the monitor waiting to see if the baby is going to move. Found this one on google products...




Baby Shakespeare.... I have mentioned this before, but it is so worth it I will mention it again... this is amazing. I save putting it on for fussy times or right before bed time. Dylan could watch it for 10 straight hours if I let him, without making a peep. Just be warned... this only applies to BABY SHAKESPEARE... of the baby einstein line... NOT MOZART, NOT BETOWVEN... SHAKESPEARE IS THE ONLY ONE YOU NEED TO BUY!! The others just do not captivate him the same at all.



Sprout Baby food... this organic, chemical free, bpa free and made by a gourmet chef. You can find it only at Harris Teeter and I wait for the 10 for $10 days... I feel very safe and confident I am giving Dylan the best food out there with this stuff: http://www.sproutbabyfood.com/stage2.php

Now with the cold weather I am finding it really difficult to find baby hats, mittens & coats. Seems like there are every size out there but his, younger and older. But the 6mths - 18mths stage is impossible to find! I am on a mission and will update when I find the best places for those.

things people just can't prepare you for

I knew that motherhood was going to have its challenges and that my life would drastically change. Along the way I really can't say that many of the changes I have missed so far. Sure, I miss a few girls nights, have to cancel on people last minute (which I hate to do) for various baby related reasons. All in all, I don't really miss those things... well not so much I'd go back and do anything different.

However, I wish someone had told me about the little things... things I hadn't really prepared myself for. These are not life altering big things, no... they are things like clippling a tiny little babies finger & toe nails. Don't really think about that when you are daydreaming about nursery themes or baby names. But that shit is not easy. First of all... I am the only one who will do it. Not my huband, not my mother or sister (the later two just bite them off... to me way worse) - but its a task I am always and forever assigned to. I remember the first time that I went to cut his little nails and he was smiling at me, so innocently, no clue what he was in store for. I tried to keep eye contact with him so he wouldn't see the glistening metal clippers headed for his tiny fingers. But it didn't work, he flinched and of course we had a bleeder. And a cryer. I've gotten better over the last 8 months, but I still dread finger clipping day.

What about trips to the store? Think thats just a day at the zoo right.. nope, not at first. The very first time I took Dylan shopping, I took him to Kohls. I was so proud of myself for getting him in the car seat, secure into the base of the car and off we went. I parked the car, popped the back to get out the stroller... and you would have thought I was a circus act while the people passing by stared at my trying to get that damn stroller open. Which I never did... I just started crying, pretended to the lastest batch of passer bys that I was just now ending shopping trip as I threw the thing back into my car.

Or the first trip to the grocery store alone. You can't push a stroller & a cart at the same time, so what the heck are you supposed to do with the baby while you shop? For the first couple of trips, I just put the entire car seat into the cart and only got the items I desperately needed... or that could fit around the baby. Bless the vetran mommy I saw one day that had the car seat in the actual basket of the cart, propped on the handle. It was genious.

Other lovely things to think about, taking baby's temperature. we all know how its done, practicing it still makes me flinch. And you have to do it. Or recently, the booger bulb. Dylan and I have our first cold together and our knight in shining armor has fled all the way to the West coast on business. Leaving us to battle this winter cold alone. Dylan hates the booger bulb, hates it. He cries up a storm, while snot bubbles form out his nose. My point of this entire exersice is to eliminate his discomfort, not give him a panic attack. But yet, I am forced to put him through this torture for his own good. Now I have a better understanding of all the times my parents said those exact words to me. Like Dylan, I didn't care then... but probably benefited greatly from those situations. And like me, I am sure my parents hated every second of my discomfort... well, depending on the specific torture. I don't think they shed any tears for those endless two weeks of being grounded for cheating on a test.

Sometimes I definitely feel like I am bumbling through being a mom. Everyone knows I am forgetful, ditsy & clumsy. I am sure there were 100s of moms sharing my personality traits who raised healthy, happy & successful children. I really am enjoying this journey, every day gets better and better. But every day I learn something new... like I shouldn't try to put the baby down into his play pen with toys in my hands as the toys just might slip out of my arms onto the top of my babies head. Luckily... the toys distract the child from their intial impact... but I don't get down on myself about it. My every second of every day is completely consumed with this baby... he fills me up from the inside out with a happiness that has forever changed me. I am calmer, more organized (well... for me) and less preoccupied with trivial things. I am all together the happiest I have ever been. And I know that this is a learning experience, day by day.

I think its important for all moms not to place pressure on themselves to be perfect. I can't help but laugh when I tell Dylan "no" and he laughes histerically at me. its his favorite new joke of mine. I know thats wrong, I know I should be stern and teach him I mean business. And I will... I do... but sometimes I can't help but be human, I mean its so cute. Sure, I accidently poured bath water in his mouth while I was washing his head... he coughed for a second and was fine. moms do things like this all the time, if you think you are the only one - you are way too hard on yourself. Maybe not everyone is candidly honest about it, and its possible I have more clumsy moments that most, but no mom is perfect. No mom has not made mistakes on a daily basis that is a less than shiny example of mother of the year. But I think being calm, letting the little mishaps roll of your back, helps you stay in a peaceful place. And when you are in a place of peace, your child is. Utlimately, isn't that all we really want for our kids? Peace of heart? Maybe its just me... but that is at the end of the day all that really matters. Just master the art of distraction and you will be just fine:)