you know you are a mommy when....

1. you deem it to be ok to go into public wearing if there is only one puke stain on your shirt
2. your purse is actually a diaper bag
3. instead of wishing for a shoes from saks for xmas you now are keeping your fingers crossed for the jogging stroller with a mps3 player
4. elmo is your new best friend.
5. you feel really accomplished if you are able to shower, blow dry your hair, put on make up and even put together an outfit before 5pm. or at all. or even one of those things.
6. you have a whole new understanding and respect for "mom jeans"
7. there are multiple people in your life who ask you how many times the baby pooped today... and are genuinely interested in the answer.
8. you've even uttered the sentence "I think i may just wear maternity clothes from here on out." or "i just wish my stomach would stick out further than my boobs"
9. a "great find" has gone from antique jewelry at the flee market to babysitters with college degrees & a car!
10. date night is literally just dinner, glass of wine & rushing through desert to make it home before babysitter starts charging overtime... instead of dinner, bottle of wine, drinks at a nearby bar & then late night dance party at the house.
11. you have mastered the art of doing dishes, laundry, vacuming, eating, making coffee, getting dressed, making a bottle and cooking - all with one arm.
12. you consider your house clean if there are only a few dishes in the sink, half the toys are put up & the laundry room door is closed.
13. you are grumpy all day if oprah didn't record.
14. the scene from sex and the city where miranda gets poop on her forehead isn't as funny as it used to be.
15. you find yourself suddenly listening to your mother on a regular basis.
16. deciding between eating or sleeping is actually a difficult decision.
17. you don't even register the sound of crying babies in public anymore, as long as its not yours you are all good.
18. every decision you make throughout your day completely revolves around someone elses nap schedule.
19. you could teach lessons on how to "happily fight" with your husband...ie...telling him exactly how angry you are that he forgot mothers day with a smile on your face. (and yes he did...)
20. you find yourself commenting on how the teenager girls today are wearing their skirts too short or playing music so loud in their car they could wake the baby when they drive by.

and you are completely happy about every bit of it.... well except for the mothers day thing... i was pretty pissed about that. i mean just because your bday and mothers day fall within 3 wks of each other does not make it a combo holiday!

;)

Finding in Peace

I have a quote on my refridgerator that I love... "Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart."

I remember when and why I bought this magnet. I was in the Fresh Market (because I could afford to shop there at the time) after a long day at work and it just resignated with me so deeply. You see, I was in a job at the time that I was really successful at and had great potential to continue to see success - but I didn't feel peace in my heart. And when you are in a situation like that, where all signs point to stupidity if you give it up - but in your heart you are troubled at the thought - its difficult to feel at peace. This is life's journey afterall, finding peace, finding happiness - chasing dreams. But I didn't want to constantly be in a race for those things, I wanted to actually make the decisions and do the things that helped me actually reach them.

When you aren't happy because of some thing - whatever it is, you hate your boyfriend, your job, you are lonely - usually the cure is clear cut - its just never simple. Its the fear of taking that step, the "road less followed", that keeps us constantly dreaming of something better - instead of being there. Which always seemed so crazy to me, but still I got up every day and played a part of a worker bee going through the motions towards a successful career.

This isnt' to say I didn't find happiness at times, or feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of hard day - even if it was a bad day. My philosphy on everything is that if you are going to be there anyway - you might as well give it your all. So I'd say 94% of the time, I did exactly that. I looked at any given moment throughout the day as an opportunity to succeed, to take on whatever it was with passion, pride & drive. I think anyone who commits themselves to what they are doing in that way a destined to do well. This also means putting on blinders to the crap though and I think for me, it got to a point where it felt like the crap was splashing in my face and I just didn't want to stink all the time.

Really, truth be told, I am not meant to be a corporate office person. I am a creative person, I paint, I am a photographer, I write, I want to change the world with one really insightful sentence or beautiful picture. I feel like my purpose is to make a difference in some positive way, I still don't exactly know what that will be - but I do know becoming a mother is my first step in that direction.

Thats what did it for me, thats when all the pieces fell in front of me and it was like fate was saying "here's your chance". I think we all have that moment, a fork in the road where we have a chance to make a choice that will change to course of our lives for... well a while. Maybe not forever because I don't think anything is that permanent. But you have a single moment when it becomes clear that you can either choose what your heart is telling you to do or you can go with the responsible thing your head is telling you to do. Most of the time its either or too, because heart and mind rarely are in sync I've found. Luckily, in my life at this particular moment I could choose to go with my heart - for me if I chose the responsible thing, it would almost be selfish in a materialistic way. Because I chose to be a working mother I would resent my days because I wouldn't be true to myself and I'd only be doing that so I could buy great shoes or shop at pottery barn - things that I like - but not things that I need.

Gosh and that decision really threw me. For months I struggled with identify. I had no idea who I was anymore. For the last six years I worked. First I was this Marketing Manager for a really cool promotion job and after that I was a corportate career woman. Now here I am barely leaving my house or taking a shower watching TLC all day. Is this the life I chose? Really? If this is that greener side of life, then I guess life just is kinda dull.

I think I thought life was out to get me in a sense. There were so many joyful things in my life and its like I could see what those things were, but they were in black and white. A dull noise in the background of my thoughts. I was focusing on the sad things and having to remind myself to look at the good things. It wasn't great timing to be post pardum and loose one of your best friends either. I think that I will probably write a blog soon totally about PPD but for the purpose of this one - I could not stop thinking about my friend. I was sad, I was really sad and I had to glaze over that saddness because I was also a new mom and supposed to be glowlingly happy. And I was... most of the time... but when you can't be sad and you are sad, its diffifult to be truly happy. That's when the nightmares started. And even though I was sleeping little, I didn't want to sleep at all. Until one night I finally slept, and I had a dream. Not a nightmare, but a dream. Long dream short, it was of a happy Amanda, who didn't have cancer and wasn't in physical or emotional pain. She was smiling and I can remember her opening a door, she was dresses as a ladybug I want to say (one of those cute little ladybug halloween outfits) and there was a party wherever she was. She gave me a hug and I started to walk in the door and she shook her head, winked and closed the door. From behind the glass she pointed for me to turn around and smiled. To me it was her way of saying, I'm happy, your are invited to this party but not for a while and in the meantime go live your freakin life. If you are reading this and you ever even met Amanda, this makes total sense... even the ladybug costume. And if you know me at all you know that I am a strong believer that we leave our bodies behind, but our souls live on... and that I think we can connect with them through dreams & electricity (also probably another blog;)...

Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I was a whiney little brat. "The world owes me, happiness will never find me, I have people I love in my life - but not a life I love." Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!

We get to decide our lives - its true. That means we get to decide what makes us happy and then we have the choice to actually do those things or just be sad we don't do them. I knew during those working years and first few months that painting makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Photography makes me happy. Spending time with my family makes me happy. Spending time with good friends, makes me happy. Working out sucks, but it makes me happy. Cleaning sucks, but a clean house makes me happy....

Ok so how stupid are you when you spell it out in front of you, all the things that make you happy, and you just sit back and whine because you aren't happy. Pretty freakin stupid. Get up! Go to the gym! Pick up your camera! Paint some freakin mountains! Seriously...

The other day, I was sitting on a blanket in the front yard with the baby. It was a beautiful day and we just sat there watching cars drive by. For maybe an hour. There was a time where instead of doing that, I would be in a cubicle getting screamed at by some jerk who was mad because I spelled his name wrong. And there was a time not long ago where I'd be sitting inside with the shades closed not even realizing the beautiful day I was missing. But not now, now I am totally at peace - no tv, no phone, no computer - sitting on a blanket watching cars drive by.

My point is when we find ourselves constantly searching for this unobtainable happiness, we need to really sit in a quiet place - nothing but you and maybe a pen and paper (not your blackberry or lap top) but just you and a journal. You know the answer, you know the things that make you happy. Write them down. I promise once you think of one thing, you'll think of another.

In the midst of my, what I now realize was post pardum depression, Jon and I got into a HUGE fight. HUGE. I was whining on about how unhappy I was, which to him was very hard to hear because of the fact... #1 I think he is the happiest he's ever been and #2 he felt like a failure as a husband if his wife is so unhappy... so we were fighting. He asked me..."What do you like then Betsy, what things do you enjoy to do" --- this set me off. I was so mad at him. I screamed yelled, it was a big fight. But really, looking back, I wasn't mad at him at all. I was mad at the mirror he held up to my face, because I had been asking myself that for so long. And I knew the answers, but somehow my heart could not connect to my head. It took me banishing my cell phone (many of you remember this month)... banishing my computer, sitting alone, sitting quiet and asking myself what I liked. Sometimes its thouse simple questions that really throw you.

As women, as mothers, as daughters, as friends, wives, girlfriends, whatever--- we tend to loose ourselves in the mix. Its our blessing and our curse. But ever now and then you have to stop and remember who you are. Even if it means including it on your to do list. But you have to do it. Because I've learned in life that happiness comes and goes with lifes changes.




Once you think you are good, happy and you are there - some curve ball comes around and throws you back onto your unhappy ass and you become a whiney baby again. Which is ok and I think needs to happen so you can refresh your happy to do list. Remind yourself what it is that makes you happy and remind yourself to DO THEM. Oh, you like to read... maybe you should by a book dummy! You are depressed because your house is never clean, lets go grab the broom. Because happiness doesnt just fall in your lap... it takes identifying the things that make you happy and then CHOOSING the corresponding action. Afterall, that to me is the secret to happiness, to life.... making the actual choice to be happy and to live.

I think once you make that choice, you find peace with the world and with yourself. Just like Carrie Bradshaw (yep quoting S & the C) says - the most important relastionship in this world is the one you have with yourself. You have to make that relationship work first and I think once you do all the others in your life will be the best they are meant to be. And living can be sitting at home on a Saturday night, reading a book and enjoying yourself 100x more than being at some party or drunk as a skunk. It all starts with being true to you.

Wow... feeling philosophical today I guess:) ok back to wiping a poopy butt:)

Going First

No one ever really wants to go first. In my case and my circle, I have been close to the front for all of lifes big changes. Mainly, getting married and having a baby.

I think it takes a great maturity to be the first of your friends to make these big leaps. Not the actual act of getting married, or having a baby, anyone can do those things mature or not (whether or not you can do them well is another blog) but it takes maturity to be first because the culture of your life changes so dramatically. When your life changes in significant ways, in ways that your friends around you can't possibly understand, you begin to see your friends drift away. They don't know they are doing it, but they drift away because they don't understand.

Let me paint a picture for you... lets say you are sitting around your house and you decide that you need to run to the store:

When you don't have a child: put on shoes, grab keys & purse... walk out the door that instant.

With a child: Wait for baby to wake up from nap, change baby diaper, feed baby, make sure baby has clean warm clothes, pack diaper bag, double check diaper bag, grab shoes, keys wallet, take purse and bag out to car, come back and load baby into car seat, go back to car and load baby into car... and after at least 2 hrs you are on your way! And I must mention here that us mothers have mastered the art of speed shopping. Gone are the days of leisurely shopping in any sense of the word, under any cirucumstance. So friends without children, please enjoy your next shopping trip and think of me and appreciate that moment of trying on the same two dresses 4 times before you make a decision.

So when I get a call from a friend asking if I want to go to dinner, or meet at the mall or meet for lunch.... and I say I can't go but have no real excuse, its because my excuse is that I'm a mom and you aren't and so you dont' understand why its impossible for me to meet you. Its different when I interact with my few other mom friends. We plan to meet weeks in advance so that we can start baby on nap schedule that will be condusive for this plan, and also have a mutal understand that these plans will change multiple times before they actually happen - if they actually happen.

You see there is no way to explain to my childless friends what it is like. Why my life is different, why they see less of me, why they hear less of me. Its impossible to assure them that I love them as much, still think of them as much and am still their friend from a distance. That if you need me for anything, I will be there - it just will surely take me longer to get there.

I think whats interesting is that I don't get bothered or upset when my friends get bothered or upset with me. I can think of a time that I had planned to meet a friend for lunch and literally 10 mins before we were supposed to be there I called frantic and said it wasn't going to happen. Dylan was fussing, I mean screaming his blue face not going to breath scream, and I was a wreck. I was dressed, dressed baby and hungry. I was looking forward to being in public, looking presentable & having a real conversation with a dear friend. But it wasn't going to happen. I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself until the situation took over and I didn't have a choice.

I cancelled, she was almost there. She was pissed. Understandably, well understandably to a non mother.

I know that one day, she will look back on this day (if not by her own accord, I will remind her) and feel bad for being mad at me. She will understand and it will probably be after a similar situation happens to her. These situations are inevitable as a mother. We are frantic a lot of the time and still try to push through to keep a normal life. But most of the time our choices are stay home or stay home. Because being a mom means that you make choices based on what is best for your baby 100% of the time and you don't make any excuses for those choices.

So to all my friends who read this and think I am talking about you specifically, I'm not, all of my childless friends either give me shit directly or I can sense it. There are only a few enlightened friends who don't have kids that I feel understand my situation ahead of their time, and they are usually the ones that want to have kids soon. I can see them soaking up my life in bright eyed curiousity and I love them for that.

While I understand that they don't understand and while I don't hold it against them, there are some friendships that I know are going to end. These are the ones that expect the same from me and get upset without any appreciation for the things I have done. There aren't many of these friends in my life (thank god) for the most part there is at least a level of understanding from most of them. This tells me I've done a pretty good job at picking my friends and I know soon enough we will all be back on the same playing field so I can overlook the small misunderstandings. But there are a few that have shown me their true light and true place in my life. One day they will turn to me for advice or for a face that understands and most likely for them I won't be there. I give lots of chances to friends, but at the same time I have decided to be the friend to people they are to me. I have enough good friends in my life that I really don't need to spend time appeasing the bad ones... I'm a little too busy for that these days.

All of us that are going to have children some day are on the same journey. Same path and are spiritually connected. If you watch Real Housewives there is this new housewife, Kelsey Grammers wife, who has 4 nannies for 2 children and used a surrogate for both of them. This woman is not a mother. If you don't understand why, its likely that you haven't gone through the process of being pregnant and spent months awake with a baby. But probably one day you will, and that day you will understand why I couldn't meet you for drinks or it was so difficult for me to spend the weekend away from my baby (and what it actually meant that I did) and why Kelsey Grammers wife is not a mother.

changing lanes....

2010 = 9 weddings, 5 babies & 2 funerals




this is such an exciting time in my life. the past year has been filled with weddings, babies , with a few magic moments sprinkled in. amongst the good therehas been rough spots, namely saying goodbye to a friend who is too full of life to actually believe she's not living today. a struggle that sadly from experience i know will not be easily overcome. funny how saying good bye and letting go teaches us so much about ourselves. its never been easy for me, but then again who is it ever easy for.

becoming a mom its like all the sudden you look up and its a new world. i realize this will now be the 3rd wizard of oz reference in this blog, but its as if stepping into motherhood is like everything all the sudden is in color. the world is just buzzing about you and everything else is secondary. it makes me feel closer to my mother actually because i understand so much more about her, just because i understand what being a mother means. we are in the same sisterhood now.


i have a few months ahead of me (and a few past) that are literally stuffed with weddings. happy times. i am excited to see my friends start the journey i have been on for three years now. i know that they are about to enter into something they never dreamed of. if they picked the right person, which i believe the majority has, they are about to find a best friend, human security blanket and an extension of themselves. a person that tells you like it is, checks you when you need it and is the start and end to your day. as long as it starts with that person & ends with that person - everything else is just details. like the wedding itself... nothing but a detail. still... those days are such powerful days of joy and i find myself crying even more out of happiness, just because I realize more and more how special and wonderful it is to cry tears of joy.

i guess that is what this blog is about. priorities. i think its important to put your spouse first. i think if you focus on keeping that relationship in tact the rest will just fall into place, where things should be. children, next or even. its hard to convince myself that my child is not first, because really he is. for both of us though, but you hear the key to a happy child is happy parents so we make our marriage a priority. family... my mom, dad, sister, nephews... and so on. some of my family are lifetime friends that i consider so much of my existence that they are truly family. and then... friends. friends though, are last in line. i love my friends and believe that we need them, but not at the expense of those priorities before them. and i think thats what growing up is. new priorities. more meaningful priorities. i am not saying friendships aren't meaningful. i have just become aware though that some friendships are one sided, some are just for show, some just honestly suck the life out of you. those are the ones i don't have time for anymore.

when you become a mom, so many other aspects of life are changed - but one thing that i think stands out the most is that life speeds up. it goes from 60 to 120 in the blink of an eye and anytime you spend on something that is not true and soul enriching is wasted. wasted time away from my husband, my baby, my family... and trust me i'd rather be throwing a bday party for my dog than working to maintain a frienship that doesn't enhance my life. that being said, i do believe its important to make time for the friends that do, but i am finding out that quality vs quanity when it comes to friends is the key.

the past several months life has been thrown in my face. i've really been through so many ups and downs, so many events have taken place that have forced me into reflection. i think i've learned; moments should never be taken for granted. you should be as much in the moment as you possibly can... put down the facebook, text messages & ipads - those are nothing but meaningless distractions from real life. i've learned that love has a depth that i never ever imagined. asleep is so better than drunk. happiness isn't a right, its a choice. your relationship with yourself is just as important as your relationship with others. place emphasis on planning special days with loved ones. i've learned that facing fear is difficult, but worth it. its ok to be sad and happy at the same time. the only way to really reach your dreams is to realize them and go for it. nothing will fall in your lap. i think every experience in life is an opportunity to grow and become a better person, but only if you let it. keep your eyes open for inspiration, even in lady bugs.

changing lanes. its not an instant change and in certain ways it is an instinctive one, but i now realize that it also must be a purposeful one. defining who and what means the most to you, who and what enrich your life and by extension the life of your child and once those things are aligned - then you are just that one step closer to peace. life is short, and even shorter when you become a parent, it doesn't have to be busy and filled with something to do everyday. i've seen that the best days are the days that are filled with grocery store trips, evening walks & coffee in the morning. really, i don't think it gets better than that.....

the healthy happy baby & the mom that keeps him that way

Moms today are living in a scary world. Everything should be organic, germs are everywhere so you shouldn't bring your baby in public, don't use products with bpa, don't use bath products - basically the world is out to get us and our babies.

Now ok, I am not going to sit here and say that I won't make every possible effort to keep my baby safe. Not being a scientist, I can't make a true educated statement about what chemicals, in which products, are harmful and why. If you research about BPA and toxic chemicals in baby products, you will discover that studies are being conducted regarding the harmful side effects. i've done a little bit myself on chemicals in bath products and BPA, if you are as confused as me as to what the issues are with these products here is a brief summary and I have links for you to read too. Starting with BPA....

BPA is a chemical used to make plastic, in 2008 studies began to surface that it could have negative side effects to your health. A 2010 report from the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA) raised further concerns regarding exposure of fetuses, infants, and young children. These side effects include increased chance of obesity, neurological issues, thyroid issues, MAY increase cancer risk. The Wikapedia article is extremely informative on this topic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisphenol_A

Now as far as chemicals used in personal care products. What I have found is that these are used in everyday products not only the baby uses, but that we use as well. Items you find in your bathroom such as toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, soaps, etc. The scare is basically that we don't know the side effects of them because the FDA does not regulate the actual chemicals used. Here is a nice and scary article that will make you want to go to your bathroom and toss everything:
http://antiagingchoices.com/harmful_ingredients/toxic_ingredients.htm

Alright, so really all I have done is google BPA and toxins in personal care products. I am still not a Chemist, Scientist, Doctor or anything close to any of those. Just a mom who can google. And lets face it, the internet is no Harvard University or Duke Medical Center. Not to mention, I was raised eating prepacked baby food, in containers with BPA and using bubble bath with J&J shampoo. I'm still kickin right? But with time we as a society advance scientifically and medically, so should these studies and concerns just be chalked up to part of the "Go Green" fad?

Well... here's what I think. I think probably there is merit to these studies, probably. Do I think becaucse I have already fed my baby out of a baby food container that I have discovered had BPA in it that he is doomed to a cancer diagnosis? No, I don't. BUT... now that I have educated myself to a degree on these things, what harm could come from playing it safe? Instead of grabbing one item off a shelf, I grab another one. Burts Bees instead of J&J... maybe $1 more, but its worth it - even if its only to make me feel better.

There are studies now that show processed foods have been THE CAUSE of childhood obesity and POSSIBLY are the reason we have seen such an increase in children with autism. If I as a mother am doing what I can do educate myself and make healthy choices for my child, then I can go to sleep at night feeling like a good mom. Thats what we all strive for right? To be a good mom and have healthy children.

On top of these scare studies driving me to shop smarter for my child, isn't there a special charm about living off what the earth has provided us? I realize how hippy this sounds, but I'm ok with that. There is no question of where it came from, or what scary chemicals are in it when you are eating an apple you picked yourself. Unless of course you picked that apple from the tree in wizard of oz... in which case ok I see your point.



Buying produce from the farmers market is so rewarding in so many ways. Its a wonderful atmosphere and just the trip there makes for such a special day. A peaceful happy scene filled with smiling country bumpkins and grandmas homemade blueberry jam. Not to mention, my baby really truly enjoys it there. He is competely mezmorised by all the colors and people, and he leaves totally worn out... naptime after the farmers market is priceless really. You get in the car to go home and there is this feeling of satisfaction that you have wonderful fresh produce (and when its fresh there is no debating it tastes better), have supported your local economy & guess what - toxin free!

When I have the time, I do make lots and lots of baby food for my little guy. Sweet Potatos, Pears, Apples, Squash - and its clear he likes that food better than the store bought kind. He has no concept of organic, clearly it tastes better - maybe its because its fresh, maybe because its made with love, but who cares - it makes him happy which makes me happy. (pat pat pat)

So ok, I'm convinced. I'm going to go online and place a bulk berts order today. I'm going to make baby food when I can and when I can't I'm going to buy organic BPA free. What I am not going to do is become one of those fear driven moms that won't let my child near a state fair or shampoo bottle. I won't drive my friends and family insane by insisting they convert to this lifestyle or forbid my child to eat mac and cheese from a box while at their house. The purpose of this change is to make me feel like I am doing what I can to make the best possible life for my child. To give him the best possible chance to be happy and healthy. Once you start drawing a line in the sand - it pushes people away and it instills fear in your child. This isn't a big bad scary world, and if you as the mother think that it is - your child will too. We don't want... or at least I don't want... our children growing up fearing McDonalds or never knowing the joys of lucky charms or bubble gum.


Moms, the world is not out to get us. Its ok to eat a apple straight off the tree without washing your hands first. Its ok if you already bathed your baby in bubble bath without checking the label... relax - be happy - thats the entire point of it all. Please don't add stress to your life by fearing shampoo... but I wouldn't recommend turning a blind eye either. Finding that balance can be tricky... but that is what you have to do - that is what will help you sleep at night.


Some info for you:

Commercially Prepared Baby Food in BPA-free Containers

■Sprout Baby (brand new – just announced by Healthy Child 2/3/09)
■Yummy Spoonfuls
■Happy Baby
■Plum Organics
■Homemade Baby
■Tasty Baby
■Fifi Bear’s
■Maddy’s Organic Meals
■Parent’s Choice (they don’t make baby food in glass jars)
■Gerber (all baby food products except glass baby food jars are BPA-free)
■Beechnut (plastic containers used for juices, Stage 2 fruits, Good Morning, Good Evening and DHA plus+ juices are BPA-free; glass baby food jars do contain BPA)
Baby Food Containers using BPA

■Earth’s Best (they told us that BPA is used in minute amounts in the glass jar lids, but that independent testing showed no BPA contamination in the baby food. Use your own discretion here)
■Beechnut (they told us that their glass baby food jars contain trace amounts of BPA)
■Gerber (glass baby food jars only)
■Nature’s Goodness

websites;

http://www.thenaturalstore.com/search/search.asp?searchtype=1&ipp=20&srchtree=5&search=baby+bee&aid=338565&aparam=burts_bees_baby&scinit1=burts_bees_baby

http://www.lesstoxicguide.ca/index.asp?fetch=babycare

http://thesoftlandingbaby.com/2009/02/02/which-prepared-baby-food-containers-are-bpa-free/

http://www.thesoftlanding.com/

the new me

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” - Rajneesh


Everything I do now is rushed. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I do not remember the last time I casually strolled through the grocery store, or took a long relaxing shower. Even when I am lucky enough to have a sitter, there is a deadline of how long I am baby free. With so many things that need to be done baby free and so little time to do them, I rush through it all when I have precious hours of someone watching him. I know that should I call my mom, or nana, to ask for an extra hour when time has gotten away from me, they will gladly give it to me. I still rush through the cleaning, rush through the shower, rush through grocery store, whatever it is, I am usually rushing. This is drastically different from before I was a mommy. I have never been a rusher.

You think about becoming a mom and you know that once the baby comes, life will be different. You expect to adapt to the change and still be the same old person you always have been. Over and over again you hear about how you never realized how happy you could be until you become a parent. That once you have a child you'll wonder why you waited so long. I think I expected that change to be instant. But honestly for me it wasn't.

The first four months have been a complete blur of learning experiences. Learning how to change diapers at record speed, how to get your baby to stop crying, how to give your baby a bath or get him dressed. Learning what he likes and doesn't like, educating yourself on all the latest "baby should do's" and the "baby never do's". I've enthralled myself so completely in how to be a good mom and all that is Dylan - that I only recently have reflected on how I've changed. All the ways this experience has made me a new person.

I can walk by a woman in the grocery store and tell just by looking at her if she is a mom. I think there is a different look in a mothers eye, a different manner about her where its transparent to other moms. Its especially easy to spot when you are in line with a full cart and a screaming baby... the sisterhood of mothers is a secret blessing among us. Even if its just a knowing glance of "i've been there, and its ok" - it makes all the difference in the world. But the point is that once you become a mom, you really are elevated to a new level of existence that only other mothers understand. I don't think father share this same level of being. I grew up with the best daddy in the world and my husband blows me away at how wonderful of a father he is, but there is this deeper, undescribable level of love when you are a mother. I truly isn't something I can put into words, but I guess as mom your children are extentions of you. Like your arm or your foot just detached from your body and are walking around as individuals. So if someone stepped on your detached foot you'd feel it just as strongly as if it were still connected to your leg. I am not sure fathers share that type of connection, or even quite understand it. The only other people in the world that can possibly understand what I mean, are other mothers.

Like I said though, I have only started to recognize this change just recently. Its in moments, pieces of your day that you put together over time and realize all of the sudden - omg, I am not the same person. For example, I have always been conscious of my looks. Its kind of a joke with my friends if I walk by a mirror or a building with reflective windows, I can't help but check myself out. Does my hair look like it did before I left the house? Does this outfit still make me look skinny? Do my shoes really match this shirt? I don't remember the moment that I stopped looking, that I stopped caring as much. I had seen Oprah episodes where moms lost their looks and all got makeovers and I distinctly remember thinking that would NEVER happen to me. Ever. And then just as distinctly I remember the dreaded moment, about 2 months after Dylan was born, that I caught a glipse of myself in the mirror and was horrified.

My blonde highlights were faded so bad that my hair just looked dirty, the roots were so bad and I couldn't remember the last time I had gotten them done. Counting back I almost started to cry when I realized it was early Feb the last hair appointment I had and here it was almost the end of May. How was it possible that I hadn't even thought about my hair in that long. My eyes lowered to my body, something that I purposely had not allowed myself to do but once - and at the time I was on hydrocodine so it didn't hit me as hard as it did now. I was wearing one of Jons t-shirts and it was tight on me, so I could see the outline of my saggy boobs and lumpy budda belly. That may sound harsh to say about my own body, but it is what it is. I was only 2 months post pregnancy, so this was to be expected, but not at all any easier to deal with. And I drifted back up to my face. My pale make up-less face with dark circles under my eyes. That person, was not me. Both because of my physical body, but more so for the fact that it had taken this long for me to care!

Nothing matters as much as it did before. The things that seemed so important or bothered me endlessly, just don't phase me anymore. Like if a friend is upset with me for canceling a dinner, or who is dating who, who is cheating on who... all that gossipy stuff... don't hold my attention at all. I think there is divided line among us "those who have children" and "those who don't" and I don't think its just because of the actual children, but because of the people we become once we have them.


Life is more precious now and seems like its sped up. Family, which has always been important, is now THE most important thing. Nothing or no-one holds a candle to my family. Its a new world, the one with Dylan in it. I have a new life that started the second I laid eyes on him. I look back on just months before he was born and think of those times as my distant past. Even just a year ago seems like a lifetime ago. But I like this new me, I like her a lot and I owe it all to my little detached foot.

•“Making the decision to become a mother - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”- Elizabeth Stone

to do

List of things to do today - in order:

1. Feed baby
2. Change baby diaper - put him in bouncy seat, turn seasame st on
3. Feed dogs
4. Make Coffee
5. Throw load of laundry in washer
6. Sweep Floors
7. Move baby to exersaucer
8. Vacum floors
9. Put baby down for nap
10. Throw clothes in dryer
11. Fold clean clothes
12. Clean bottles
13. Feed baby
14. Change Baby
15. Put baby in play pen
16. Mop Floors
17. Do dishes
18. Clean kitchen
19. Move baby back to bouncy seat
20. Fold clothes, throw another load in
21. Take trash out
22. Clean baby toys
23. Move baby to play mat
24. Put away clean toys
25. Put clean clothes away
26. Check mail
27. Put baby down for next nap
28. dust
29. change sheets on bed
30. Clean up toys around pool
31. Address invitations for shower
32. Order shower presents
33. Order food for shower
34. make grocery list
35. feed baby
36. change baby
37. go to grocery store
38. come home, unload groceries
39. change baby
40. start dinner
41. pick up crying baby in middle of cooking
42. go back to dinner
43. bath baby
44. get him ready for bed
45. feed him
46. rock him to sleep
47. eat
48. watch tv with hubby
49. fall asleep exhausted
50. get up 2 hrs later....

Fuck it... I'm just gonna play with the baby today. Everything else can wait and i can deal with it until then.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." - Phyllis Diller